Confessions

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I would steal this idea from someone else. Here are some little things about me.

1. I can't snap with my right hand. Snapping in one of only two things I do left handed. The other is shoot a gun.
2. When I am in the shower and the phone rings, I think it is the fire alarm every time. One day I will learn.
3. Some days I have a hard time getting out of bed. I call these my "Clean, Dry, Dressed" days. I only have time to shower, dry off, and get dressed. I'm not too proud of that.
4. Each day that I become more confident in my abilities as a teacher, I am humbled by how much more I have to learn. There are some amazing, naturally talented professional men and women out there!
5. My apartment is very messy right now (specifically the extra room). Not dirty and gross - just messy. It's hard to get motivated to straighten up when no one ever comes over. Really... The last person to see the apartment besides me was Erin. That was right after Mom's surgery two and a half months ago! She can tell you that even then, it didn't look the best.
6. I don't have any clue where I will be after this school year. I've been praying about it and I am more confused today than the day I decided to move. Six applications are out and now I pray. I don't like this gray area.
7. Lately all of my dreams have faucets that are running on high and I can't turn them off. The knobs don't work! This is frustrating me!
8. I have a hard time with jealousy at times. The green eyed monster really likes me on some days!
9. I haven't used a personal day from work in two years. I can count on one hand the number of days I have missed. They were funerals or doctor visits.
10. Donuts make my tummy hurt.

*Sigh*

Last night, I was sitting in my chair, writing motivational notes for students while watching Christy. Something caught my eye and I looked out the window. Through the beautiful sunshine, a light rain was falling. Now, I know that this annoys some people. Some think that when it rains, it should be dark and gray. I am not one of those people...One of my favorite things on earth is to watch the rain fall on a bright, spring day and look to the sky, hopeful for a rainbow. The air cools a bit and a light breeze blows in. The green in the plants seem to intensify as they are washed.

I stood on my balcony for a while looking at the bushes and grass below. Maintenance cut the grass the day before so the sweet smell of rain mixed with the fresh cut grass. The light breeze softly danced across my face and through my hair in tiny wisps. I imagine that is what sweet kisses from heaven must feel like. It was a near perfect moment.

Powerful Prayer

During the study on Daniel, we were able to watch sessions that Beth taught concerned the topics we were discussing. So many were informative and new but others were simply amazing. Below is a piece from Lesson 8. It begins as a quote and then switches into a prayer that closed the session. It is possibly the most humbling, encouraging, empowering thing I have ever heard. I hope it blesses you as it has me.

Whether or not we can comprehend this, we are living in the days of light. We are the light of the world, and this is our era. This is our time on the history line of God.

We keep looking for somebody better to come along. Somebody more fit to take this place in history. We're it! We're it! What will we do? You've got one turn here. I've got one turn here. It's the age of the church - and we're it!

Lord,

As readers of the signs of the times, we ask "What shall we do with this? What will we do with our place, our dot on the line of history?" We gotta make it count. We gotta make it count.

I pray you help us to cease looking at someone else to do it. We are the church. We're the ones. WE'RE ON.

Fill us. Show us. Direct Us. Bring us to our feet and cause us to LIVE ON PURPOSE.

God, help me live on purpose so when you look over that kingdom calendar, when all is said and done and the new heaven and earth have come, that you'd be able to glance over at our generation and say, "They were really something, weren't they? Satan wanted them real bad but he could not wear them down!"

Let it be said. In Jesus' name, Amen

Oh My Goodness!

It seems like there has been a dry spell in terms of concerts that I would like to see lately....until now. Check out who is coming to the Majestic:

• Harry Connick Jr.
• Norah Jones
• Tony Bennett

Seriously! I can't afford all of this but I am so wanting to. Dave is either going to be very proud or hang his head.

Blessed

After some very intense weeks and amazing spiritual growth, I just finished my last homework assignment on Daniel. Thursday night we will have our last session but as of now, the homework is finished. Even though I will miss it immensly, my heart and lips sing tonight. I pray blessings on you all.

Oh Lord,
You have been good
You have been faithful
Through all generations!

And A Cherry On Top...

Today was actually a pretty good day. I didn't get rattled or stressed out at work! Woo Hoo! After work, I went shopping and found some cute things (all on amazing sales which intensifies the cuteness). However, as great as all of that is, something else made my day.

As I was sitting at a light, I noticed a blue and white truck behind me. As I looked closer, I noticed that it was one of my students. He is a very bright boy and tends to get bored in class. He was buckled in the passangers seat next to his dad. As I watched, the dad spent the time at the red light tickling and picking at his son. My student lit up like I have never seen before and I felt like I could hear him laughing through both cars. I couldn't help but stare through my read view mirror. What a great moment. Father and son laughing through a red light. It made my heart smile.

Authentic Prayer

I have been thinking about public prayer a little bit lately. Alissa and I talked about this last week on the way home from Bible Study. Tonight, it ran across my brain while a lady was closing the discussion portion of the evening. Just thought I would share...

I think (and could be wrong) that we have learned how to lead a public prayer. I don't just mean men in worship either. Women in study as well. Very formal and without much expression. What if we prayed publicly like we do privately? I don't mean the bearing of our innermost struggles but the passion to which we praise, cry out, beg, and thank? What would that do for a body of believers? Can you imagine the growth and call to personal relationship? What are we so afraid of? Honest prayer? I know someone who wouldn't mind!

I heard a woman today pray over our group and I felt a sincerity in public prayer that I haven't heard in quite a while. No formulated words practiced over time. I knew she was talking to her savior and I wanted to draw in too. I have no doubt in my mind he was right there listening to all her of her sincere words and poured out heart.

What a blessing it would be!

Maybe It's Because I Live Near Austin....

I have been a "glass is half full" type of person for the majority of my life. I've slipped out of it at times but I always returned to my optimistic, realistic self eventually. However, lately I have noticed that my descriptions of life have been that things and people are "beautiful" or that "it is all about love". It leads me to one conclusion. I think that I have a little hippie in me. Not the flaky type of hippie but the "love everyone" and "life is beautiful" type of hippie. Like I said, just a little bit - not an overwhelming amount. I just hope it is more enduring than annoying....

Tribute to Harry

Even thought I have never been a singer, I cannot tell you how much I love music. Probably not as much as some but it is there big time. I probably get that from my dad. Not a performing singer but a definite passion for the art is there. Along with the love of music goes that that one artist that you have followed for as long as you can remember. For me that artist is Harry Connick Jr.

Harry is by far one of the best musicians EVER! Big Band to Jazz, piano to singing to drums. Even if you don't like his style of music, you have to appreciate the amount of talent the man has! He introduced me to the standards and started my passion that would later lead to Michael Buble, Tony DeSare, Erin Bode, and Jane Monheit. He also introduced me to many songs that I would later meet again in the barbershop world. He is from New Orleans and has done amazing things for the city since Katrina by using his God given gifts. I am impressed constantly but him.

The first time I heard Harry, I was in 6th grade. I had an instrument lesson after school and, while we were waiting for my mom to pick me up, my band director played Red Light, Blue Light for me. From the first scream of the trumpet, I was hooked. Dad took me to my first concert at the Majestic during his Star Turtle tour. During the encore, he marched around the theater and unknowingly popped me in the hand with a drum stick. Dad was pleasantly surprised with how much he enjoyed the show. David Robinson was there and got on stage to play bass with the band. Total ad lib and really good! Then, when he played the Municipal Auditorium, Julie and I saw him for his Come By Me tour. Back to the standards and big band this concert. Good times!!

Last night I was checking my email and Ticketmaster sent me the alert that he is coming to San Antonio again! I am SO excited! As soon as payday hits, I am (hopefully) getting tickets. This is his Oh, My Nola tour so it will be filled with New Orleans style jazz. Here is hoping for a third concert!

So...who do/have you see repeatedly in concert?

Why We Pray

Tonight I was reading over Daniel 9 since we are starting it on Thursday night. I found something really beautiful at the end of vs. 18. Daniel, in prayer, simply says:

"We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy."

How true is that!? We don't ask things of God because we are wonderful beings. How arrogant and wrong is that!? We ask of God because, in His great mercy, He wants to bless us as we seek Him (and His will) with all of our hearts. THAT is why we pray!

Bible Study Will Do This To You...

There are definite pros and cons to being 27 and single. I have thought about writing a blog describing the joys of your own apartment vs the not so joyous moments of living alone. One thing that Erin has encouraged has been going somewhere new and living an adventure. Every time she has brought it up, I have been reduced to tears while explaining why that is not as glamorous as she may think it sounds. Until recently....

A beautiful woman from my church home invited Alissa and I to join her in a study of Daniel via Beth Moore. I played catch up the past five days (that is 30 homework assignments - intense!) so I can be where the rest of the group is. I've been brought to my knees in prayer over so many things. My heart has been mixed with inexpressible joy and burdening concern for others. To say that my outlook on life has been changed is an understatement! What once sounded scary and baffling is now the greatest cause of comfort for me. It may sound sudden but I do believe that this has been in the plans for quite a while. I just hadn't opened my eyes yet.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I have made life decisions upon what I thought would be best at the time. I have been blessed along the way and I know that God worked through my decisions. However, I know that there is more out there that what I decide. I have begun to pray for God to lead me to where He needs me most. I'm talking location, occupation, church home - you name it. If God says "go!", I'll be there. I'm no longer afraid that I will end up somewhere alone because I know that I won't be. God is already there waiting. I may be sent somewhere totally unexpected or He may just want me to stay here. I don't know. Yet, I have such an amazing peace about it! I went to my principal today and told here that I am beginning to seek out other places to be for next year. I was not nervous at all and she gave me her full support.

So I write this to ask for your prayers. I covet them greatly! I ask for discernment to know what He says. I ask for peace and joy until I am told where to go. I ask for focus as to not be distracted along the way. You are mighty in prayer and I beg you to petition on my behalf. Our God hears and He will be faithful to answer.

Sharing Daniel

A few years ago, a group I was studying with was looking for a new workbook. I immediately recommended Beth Moore even though it was a mixed sex group. I explained that even though she writes with a focus towards women, she has been given a beautiful gift for the Word. The idea was tolerated long enough to humor me and then another study was found without true consideration for my opinion. Now, as much as it may sound like I am complaining, I am not telling you this to stomp my feet and whine about not getting my way. Here is what I am saying:

I am working through the book of Daniel using a Beth Moore series. I am being SO blessed by it! I've wanted to study prophecy for some time and I love the accounts of what happened during Daniel's time on earth. As I work through, I find myself being changed. Not so much by Beth but by the words God has given us. I find myself aware of the world around me and the role I play in it. I feel drawn closer to God in numerous ways that He knows I need right now. I feel a clearer sense of who I am being called to be in Christ. I feel an awareness of the world around me and what it would have me be. The two differ so much but I am being fed real, solid food to prepare me for whatever comes my way! I can honestly say that it has been a few years since I have been so eager to study my Bible.

As I work through the book, several names are being laid on my heart to take this study to. I feel burdened to ask them to honestly go through this study and grow closer to the God who spoke through Daniel. A few of these names are those of men. I fear that my recommendation won't be taken seriously because it was written for women and by a woman. This opens up a big can of worms for those who have a history in the church of Christ but I pray that they would look past that and see the lessons that are theirs for the taking. God is calling us to be more than we are. I hope I can live up to it.

Beating Myself Up

Yesterday our principal sent out an email stating that we were needing to be more punctual to our duty times and that she would be taking note of those who did not make the safety of our students a priority. Lucky me, me duty is on Wednesday mornings at 7:30 - first duty after the email.

So I get up this morning and start to get ready. I realized that I had to go to Wal-Mart before work so I stepped it into gear. I ended up getting to campus at 7:25. So I had to get my stuff and two cases of water to my classroom, snacks for my team to the lounge, and me to the cafeteria for duty in 5 minutes. I've got everything on me except the water. I reach down to grab and lift. As I am putting my adrenaline rushed body behind 24 bottles of water, the plastic wrapping broke and my fist flew up to meet me. Basically, I punched myself in the nose! All I could do is yell, "Ouch!" and cup my hands to my face. I tell you what, I can pack a wallop! It took a minute to gain my composure.

I now had about 3 minutes and am still in the parking lot. I had tears sitting in my eyes and my nose was red and throbbing. I hauled booty and went straight to the cafeteria. (I found two students along the way to take the water for me.) As I opened the door (only 30 seconds late), kids start avoiding me because I look like I am very upset - watery eyes, sniffing, sneezing, and sounding stuffy when I talked. Honestly, I can't blame them! I let them believe I wasn't feeling well. Would you want to tell 9 year olds that you punched yourself in the nose!?

And you thought the title was just figurative....

Politics and Religion - Dangerous Combination

Lately I have been disillusioned with many things in the government. I can't back anything up except that I know what I believe to be right and fair. I've been looking at various political parties to see where I might "fit". I find that there is one I am heavily drawn to. However, they have a strong stance for individual rights. We all know what this means and I do not agree with some of those rights.

Example: I was talking to someone in the medical field. They told me that they disagree with abortion with everything in their being but they will vote pro-abortion every time. When I asked why, the response that I got was that people will find ways to do what they want. We should at least make it safe for them instead of going to some shady, chop shop where they might seriously injure or kill themselves. While I'm not sure I agree but I do understand what they are saying.

I feel like imposing my beliefs on others opens a huge can of worms. After all, if I force my beliefs on other people legally, who is to say that the same can't happen to me one day?

So here is my BIG question: Does affiliating with a pro-individual rights party mean that I support what they are advocating? Does this make me a hypocrite as a Christian?

Politics in School

This week, my class has begun the task of exposing ourselves to as many types of text as possible to prepare for the dreaded TAKS test in April. One of the pieces we really sunk our teeth into was entitled "Global Warming". What an experience! The article discussed what it is, how it works, and possible outcomes if warming continues at the rate is currently is occurring. It freaked out a couple of the kids but we discussed that the extremes that the article presented was a long way away and not going to happen tonight. It seemed to calm some ruffled feathers.

The part of the article that struck me was a box on the side. It presented the Kyoto Protocol and how the nations were attempting to cut back on pollution. At the end of the box, it stated that President Bush was refusing to sign the treaty because it would be too expensive for American companies to make the changes needed and that America would do nothing to hurt our economy. Once we figured out what "economy" meant, the kids were full of questions. Does the president care more about money than the earth? Why does he want us to die? If we are big polluters, why doesn't President Bush want to help clean up?


I spend many, many minutes explaining that we don't know if global warming is a natural occurrence or if we are hurting the Earth. It didn't seem to help. I find myself lost in the debate but have reached the only conclusion that I can right now. The kids seem to agree so either I am as simple minded as a room of 10 year olds or I have a very bright class. The bottom line is that our Earth is our home. We must take care of it. If we are going to live here, we must respect where we are to the best of our abilities. We must leave our world in a better shape than we found it. In a way I guess I am saying, go hug a tree!


You can't tell me there aren't politics in schools!

Bless His Heart

I have a child in my class that has some issues. I love the boy to death but truth be told, he wears me out. Today was a prime example. He has a pretty intense crush on one of the girls in our class and wants to tell her. Correction: He wants me to tell her. Or he wants to have me stand in the hall with the two of them so he can tell her privately. I know she doesn't feel the same way so I am trying to protect him. No one should have their little heart broken at 10 years old.

So he asks when we can talk to her about 10 times before lunch. When we finally go to lunch, he begins to bawl. I take him to my room and we talk all the way through lunch. I cries and expresses so many feelings. For example, he doesn't know how to talk to her anymore. He is scared of rejection. He is trying not to get in trouble so she will think he's a good guy. He is trying to crack jokes because she likes funny people but she isn't laughing at his jokes. He likes her so much! It is completely hijacking his brain! I literally can't get any work out of him. Even at the end of the day, the last thing he says to me is, "Can you ask her please!?"

My heart went out to the little man but all I could think was thank goodness I am not there anymore. Don't get me wrong...I'm not calling myself an expert on men by any means of the imagination. I'm just saying, all of the unknown of the first time is over. There is not enough money in the world to take me back to emerging hormones and confusion over the first time you notice someone has lost their cooties.

Bless his heart!

Just Me

The interview question that drives me up the wall is "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I understand that the interviewer is attempting to see if you have goals and what your priorities are. Let's be honest...you are going to answer whatever they want to hear to get the job. Besides, there really is no telling what your life will be like tomorrow let alone 5 years later. What is wrong with today? What is wrong with learning who you are and living in the here and now? I don't see anything wrong with it. So....after months of thought and searching, here is who I am and what I am like right now. Some are silly and some are not. Hope you like me!

• I am a word person. Books, lyrics, quotes...I love them all! Book Clubs and Bible Studies. What a great way to spend your time!
• I am a singer who hates to perform. I prefer the background, behind the scenes rolls. I like to make others look good.
• I believe that passion is contagious. Find yours and share it with others. Just make sure it is your own and not what you caught from someone else.
• I believe that reading changes your life. If you can't read, it hurts not only your academic growth but your self esteem as well.
• I believe that people deserve 2nd, 3rd, 8th, and 12th chances. I need them!
• I believe that relationships (every kind) go both ways. No relationship can work if one person does all of the work.
• I love greens and browns. They are colors of life and beauty. They are calm and peaceful.
• I believe that once you have loved someone, you never completely stop. They stay in that special piece of your heart that is reserved for them. That is why the heart is the strongest muscle in the body. It continually grows and makes room for others while never forgetting the good stuff. It keeps you alive and kills bitterness.
• I believe that you should have as many windows open as you can. It lets the outside in.
• I believe that whenever someone calls you names or is ugly to you, it isn't always about you. Sometimes people need to vent and it just lands on you. Learn the difference before getting your feelings hurt.
• I believe that the reason we get stressed out is because we care too much. If we didn't care, we could brush it off and walk away.
• I believe that you should have to actually use your Bible in church. Preachers should make you flip to follow along.
• I believe that just because you are alone, that isn't always a bad thing. How else are you going to get to know yourself if you are always surrounded by others? Take time out just for you.
• I believe that eating out is best saved for special occasions. It should be a treat. Besides, what is wrong with a home cooked meal?
• I believe that there are special relationships that are worth holding on to. They are worth fighting for even if other people don't understand why. They are special.
• I believe that airports are magical places. People coming and going on vacations and business trips. It is a place of anticipation and hopeful plans. They are the best waiting rooms in the world!
• I believe that diversity of people is what makes this world a beautiful place.

Needs vs. Wants

*This started off as a comment on Jamie's blog but was too LONG. Therefore, I turned it into a blog.*

To say that I am a Grey’s Anatomy fan is a HUGE understatement. I watch it while I work and today was no exception. One of my favorite scenes was on and it made me laugh (again). A woman comes into the hospital and she is in such shock that all she can do is scream at the top of her lungs. No one can make her stop. Finally, in a desperate attempt, one of the interns grabs her by the arms, gets nose to nose, and screams right back in her face. It catches her off guard and she stops. It makes me laugh. Sometimes, I think that is just what I need. Someone to scream in my face to make me face what life really is for me.

I have SO many things I want for my life. I dreams about where I want to go, things I want to do, who I want to be, and who I want to be there with me. I dream BIG. These things are truer to me and who I am than anything else. I believe that what we want speaks volumes towards who we are. Lately, I’ve had to make choices about needs vs. wants. Unfortunately, the needs outweigh the wants and that is how it should be. Yet, no matter how right it is, I am so sad when I have to let go of one of those wants. Another small (or large) dream that goes away. It may sounds a little bit dramatic but it feels like a part of me dies. You don’t get that back. You try to accept reality but it is a hard and bitter pill to swallow. I don’t think you ever fully get over it. You just silently scream for a while until God grabs you, puts his nose to yours, and screams in your face just to catch you off guard. Then, you snap into the reality of the present. It doesn’t make that dream (or the pain of losing it) go away completely, but it does make you appreciate the here and now. It is real. It is all we have.

A Time Such As This

On Saturday night, the young adults are getting together to watch One Night With the King. It is a movie based, very beautifully and accurately, upon the life of Esther. Before we watch it, we are all going to read the book so we can discuss it when we are finished with the viewing. I reread it last night. I know that other people have reached the same conclusion that I am reaching so this isn't anything earth shattering. Just my thoughts on it.

I have been told, and often thought, that I have been born in the wrong time. I would "fit" better some time else. I don't know when but not 21at century America. As I read through the life of this amazing woman, the words of Mordecai resounded through me. "And who knows but that you have come into this royal position for such a time as this?" (4:14) Now I know that I am not royalty and I will more than likely not save an entire nation, but I know that the same can be said true of me. For whatever reason, I have been put here in this place and in this time for a reason. God planned for me to be right here, right now. I don't know what it is and I may never know. The simple thought is breathtaking and humbling at the same time.

Oh for the courage to know and see what God has planned!

Lemonade at the End of the Day

As I sat down tonight, I was planning on writing about the annoyances of Wal-Mart the day before Valentine's Day. Then, I breathed...

Having Mom's surgery over and her home, I feel so much lighter! I know this wasn't my burden to carry but it was not fun to watch. Tonight, I turned on iTunes to work to and got SO wrapped up in the music. I still can't sing along with it yet but I discovered that I could do my version of dancing and have a blast! Gwen Stefani, Semisonic, Ok Go, Beyonce, and Regina Spektor (among others) came out to play with me. Erin would be so proud!

Tonight, I feel like the lemons from the past weeks have turned to lemonade. I know that work is still there and not getting any better but tonight, I am relaxed and dancing around the apartment. If this is what one weight lifted feels like, I am REALLY looking forward to next Tuesday night after Writing TAKS! I can't wait!

Delayed Reaction Girl Strikes Again!

Most people get nicknames from those that love them. I have one or two from Dad but overall, I go by my own name. However, I have adopted a nickname for myself..."Delayed Reaction Girl". Basically, that is who I am and what I do. Take care of what and who needs it at the time. I'll be the "strong one" for now. It's not a conscious thing that I do but it never fails. Once everything is said and done, I fall apart.

Last night, when we had to say good night to Mom, it took everything I had not to lose it right then and there. Up until then, I had pretty much been fine. I pretty much held it together out to the car, to the restaurant, and through dinner. The ride home was a whole different story though. God was in control of the car because I was crying so hard I was having a hard time seeing. Jenn got a sobbing phone call as I drove up I10.

Then, this morning, I was fine until someone at work asked me about how Mom was. Without any warning, I broke down again. It wasn't until I got Dad's message about how much better she was doing and actually talking to her that I fully settled down.

What is the deal!? Surgery was over and she was doing so well. I will concede that yesterday was NOT a fun day for her but she really was better!

I am such a freak!

And then comes today....

So I vented some frustrations yesterday. They are as real today as they were yesterday but I had the "awwww factor" hit me throughout the day.

I woke up this morning with no voice. I'm not talking a raspy, cracking voice. I'm talking barely a whisper. I was concerned about how the day would go with my group. One of my more difficult students decided to be my watchdog today. Basically, he spent all day telling the class to be quiet so I don't "hurt my voice anymore". They listened to him (which is semi-surprising). I had drawings, notes, and written prayers telling me to get well soon. It was adorable.

I still have nothing but we will see what I wake up with.

Throwing in the Towel

Tonight I was going to try to make it back to Sugar and Spice. I've been looking forward to it for two weeks. Then, just like always, work got in the way. I had so many things come up that I just quit at 6:30 and left. I still had so much I should have done but I had already stayed too late.

The thing that is bothering me is this...Work is once again taking over every part of my life. Anytime I try to do anything not work related, work creeps in. It is a huge catch 22. If I stay and take care of work, I miss out on the things I would love to do. If I leave and attempt to have a life, I fall behind on work.

Is this what it's like to be an adult? Having to sacrifice everything to keep up with the job? This isn't a rhetorical question. I need to know. I mean, if this is it, I need to get over things and just learn to accept working 24/7. If it isn't, I need to figure out what to do to make things better.

I want to see people outside of work. I want to come home and relax without feeling guilty for relaxing or cleaning the apartment. I want to have a hobby. I want to see my friends more than once every couple of weeks. Is that too much to ask!?

Thoughts on a Sunday

During the Lord's Supper today, this thought crossed my mind and it has hung around all day. Thought I would share and see what you think.

I know with absolutely certainty that Christ knew the pain he would have to endure when he came to Earth. The knowledge of being separated from the Father must have been a terrifying thought. But did he know how badly the physical pain would hurt? Having never wrapped himself in our flesh, did he have any clue what the beating and breaking would feel like? I imagine that the first time he hit his thumb with a hammer in Joseph's workshop was a bit surprising. I wonder if he fast forwarded in his mind to the beatings after the Mount of Olives. Did he swallow the lump in his throat when he realized that a cross is a more damaging than a hammer? Was he afraid of the physical torture as he sweat like blood in prayer? I know the meaning behind it was worse than the actual bodily harm but did he have a clue from heaven's side of birth?

It's humbling!

One of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days? Surely you have. We have all had them. The day where you just can't catch a break or everything is a near miss. People just keep missing the mark and you just want to put your head in your hands in disbelief. All you can think is, "Seriously!?" On top of that, you keep looking at the date thinking that there is something important about it. Something you should be remembering. Then it hits you and you wish you hadn't remembered. It was one of those days.

Then came the evening. Danielle and I got together for dinner and caught a musical a girl from church was in. While the show was excellent, I really enjoyed seeing my friend. I haven't actually done anything with her for a while. It's good to have someone who shares your same stresses and can laugh with you as well as at you. Danielle has an extraordinary passion for God and she raises the bar for me. There is so much about her I want to be like. I always more confident about where I am in life after I spend time with her. What a blessing!

My Newest Theory

*This is post 100!*

As I have said in the past, I am an Old Testament junkie. There are times that I think I could make a good Jew (except that I believe in Jesus Christ as the Messiah - that could be a problem). I LOVE what the Old Testament holds in it's pages. I could go on for quite a while about the beauty of it but I'll cut to the point.

How often do we, New Testament Christians, take time to study the Old Testament? How often do you hear a whole sermon spend the majority of it's message in the times before Christ? I have a new theory. I think that as New Testament Christians, we have taken the idea about not following the old law to a very sad extreme. The thought that has popped into my mind is that we view the Old Testament as a series of books that proves Christ's deity and miracles. I agree 100% but, truth be told, that we have missed a huge point.

The Bible is a compilation of 66 books. Only a third are New Testament. So why did the Holy Spirit include the other two thirds to be added to our scripture if we are no longer under the Mosaic law? I believe that it is so we can see God. We know that God never changes. From Genesis chapter 1, we are introduced to who God is. We have 39 books that show us who God is and what He desires most. We see all of God's emotions - from heartbreak to jubilation, grace to mercy, friendship to enemy. We see how God and man interact and how those relationships are either forged stronger or separated.

I believe with all of my heart we need to get back to the heart of God. We see him in Christ through the Gospels. We are told about him in the letters. But to actually encounter HIM? Look were He spoke, acted, and felt. Look at the God who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Look in the pages of Genesis, Judges, the Prophets, the Kings, the wanderings, and the conquerors. As you read, you may find yourself there. You will find God.

Night and Day

Today I was making copies and some coworkers were discussing their anxiety about the upcoming writing test. They discussed what they have been doing and how exhausted they are. One made the comment that she would pray to God if all else failed. I just stared at the papers coming out of the machine. What a HUGE difference between the two of us. All I could think about was how she had inadvertantly made prayer and God a last resort. I've been praying all year. My mindset set is that I pray because I know all else will fail. He is the only one who can carry my anxiety and weaknesses. How sad for her!

Faced Fears

Why is it so hard to face your fears? Especially if they are so silly. Put me in front of a crowd to talk - no problem! Perform - different story. I am getting better but seriously...how dumb is it? I was with some girls tonight and Sugar and Spice came up. Next thing I new, officers and the director are being SO encouraging and sweet. They are doing a FUN set this semester. I really want to do it but I am nervous. I've been told that the more you perform, the easier it is. The one time I did it, I really enjoyed myself (besides the fact that I couldn't stop shaking). I guess we will know in a week and a half if this is going to happen for me without chickening out. Time to put on my big girl panties and have a go. Cross your fingers!

What Do You Dream About?

I love to dream. 90% of the time I remember them. Sometimes they are way off in left field and other times they are so vibrant. There are dreams where all five senses were fully activated. I know they say that can't happen in a dream but I have actually smelled and tasted things. Half the time I am left wondering if something happened in real life or just in my subconscious. The other half of the time I feel like I have just walked through a Tim Burton movie (think Big Fish). Seeing that I am procrastinating getting some work done, I thought I would share a few of my personal favorites. Get ready...they're a doozy!

• The Pleasanton church decides to install a water slide instead of a baptistery in order to attract more people to the services. Johnny Rosenauer dresses in a straw hat, pink and white striped pants, and a green Hawaiian shirt to unveil the slide. The whole time, he is speaking in a Jamaican accent.
• We are on a family vacation on the set of Star Trek (thanks, Dad). We go through a door and find that we weren't on a set but were on the Enterprise. We discover this because as we go through the door, we are walking on the hull of the ship (wearing gravity boots, of course). I walk to the edge and look over. All I can see from all around me are stars in EVERY direction. I get really dizzy but thanks to the boots, I don't fall over. We "play" with the the fact that we don't have gravity.
• I am in HEB with a friend. We get tired and walk to the back of the store. We remove all of the milk (don't remember where it went) and lay down on the bottom "shelf". We talk for a while and then take a nap.

Handing it over

Jeff has decided to give the world of contemporary Christian music a chance so I offered to lend him a few cds. As I was putting them in a bad this morning, I started getting a little panicked. I know this may sound quite silly to some of you but give me a chance to explain.

When someone asks to hear a type of music for the first time, you want to give them the best. First impressions are so important! For me, the best are a very valuable set of songs. They are songs that have expressed the groanings of my spirit. They had flooded my eyes with tears of joy and tears of repentance. They have brought me to my knees. They mark milestones in my faith where there was growth or renewal. If these songs can touch me as they do, they might do the same for him. So I sucked it up and put them in the bag knowing full well that I will get them back. In the end, I handed over Bebo Norman, Nichole Nordemon, Caedmon's Call, Chris Tomlin, and Chris Rice.

Jeff got the best of the best.

Recommendations, Please

Over my unexpected break, I got to do something that I haven't had time for in the past few months - read. I finished the newest Gregory Maguire book (Thanks Jenn!) and then I did something the next night that I haven't done in quite a while. I read a whole novel in one sitting. I got so wrapped up in the story that, the next thing I knew, I was finished and it was 4:15 a.m. It was SO nice to get so engrossed in a story without interruptions! The flow was there and nothing broke the momentum that the author created.

One of my goals for this year is to read a new book every two weeks. I figure this allows some room for work to come in and take over but still accomplish a decent book (no War and Peace, grant you). Here is where my "problem" lies. What do I want to read? Here is where you come in. What do you recommend? I like all kinds of books except sci-fi. I prefer lighter, more enjoyable texts during the school year but I can handle some deeper ones along the way too (just not around TAKS). Let me know what you think is good and I'll start the reading list. Thanks!

Drumming my Fingers

School has been called off for the past two days. That means that I have been in my apartment from Monday night until tomorrow morning. I have really enjoyed getting the apartment clean, painting, LOTS of reading, and doing several other fun things. I have also noticed several things. For example, freezing rain sounds like pop rocks. A sheet of ice falling from a two story building sounds like a blackcat firecracker. Ice from a car sounds like breaking glass when it hits the road. A pot of boiling water is a great homemade humidifier. And the waiting. I have spent a lot of time waiting. Waiting for the phone to ring about the next day. Waiting for the rain to hit. Waiting for the ice to melt. Waiting for the kettle to boil. Waiting for a chance to run errands. Waiting to hear from a friend. Waiting........

Why is waiting so hard? What is it about anticipation, good or bad, that makes us so antsy? And what can we do in the meantime? Nothing. All we can do is sit and drum our fingers or distract ourselves with both necessary and fun things. I think it is the idea that everything is out of our hands. Mine are small and can't hold on to much anyway so why should the idea of waiting be such a big deal?

One thing I have noticed.....with waiting comes relief. Relief that things are done. Relief that you know what is ahead. Relief that everyone is OK. I guess the key to it all is to not watch the kettle. It will boil when it's time.

I am going to sit by the phone to wait for a call about tomorrow. Who knows, maybe we will have a delayed start or maybe even have a semi-normal day. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.....

On my knees...

I wish that I were exaggerating about being on my knees I am as I type this blog (figuratively, not literally). Tonight, services were canceled due to our fun weather so I thought I would check out the series on Both/And churches that Jeff has been raving about. Now it is my turn. I am on my knees begging you to watch these sermons. They are about an hour each and the link is on Jeff's blog (link to the left). I know that many of you have heard about Richland Hills adding an instrumental service on Saturday nights. I saw the reaction when the news was shared and received. The sermons discuss the scripture that led to this decision as well as the reasoning for the addition of service. I cannot tell you how strongly I feel that this discussion be had. In the second half of part three, he goes into some very real statistics that the church is facing as well as some of the reasons that I attended Oak Hills for a while. You cannot understand that last 25 minutes until you hear the first two and a half parts. Seriously, listen or watch this series. I really want to discuss it with you but I can't discuss alone. This is more than a matter of music.

Thanks Jeff.

Daniel

I am an Old Testament junkie. I love the New Testament because it tells the story of redemption and what that now means for me. However, I would rather listen to an Old Testament sermon everyday of the week. I think it is where we see ourselves. We see how actual people wrestled with and loved God. We see ourselves in the people who meet and interact with God. We meet God there in a more "tangible" way. It shows up were we have been and allows us to hope when we see how far we have come. When tied to the New Testament, I think that we have a deeper understanding and relationship with God and what he wants us to know about him.

One person who is held up in the Old Testament is Daniel. There are a few stories about him that we know by heart but the most famous is that of the Lions' Den. This has been brought to mind SO many times in the past week and a half.

Daniel was a man who was right with God when the world tried to silence him. At the point of the lions' den, many were trying for his life. Despite what was going on around him, Daniel was saved from death and his rescue brought a king to believe in God. This then resulted in the acknowledgment of God throughout a kingdom. How much more powerful can you get!? His story gives me great hope.

What gets me about Daniel's story is that I find myself in the same boat. I Peter 5:8 warns us, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." The way I see it, if God will literally close the mouths of lions to physically save a man from death, he will most certainly close the mouth of the one who whispers lies in my ear daily. He will starve the one who craves to crush my spirit and destroy my soul. My lions are not literal but everyday, I fight to keep priorities straight and my eyes where they will find true joy. Don't we all?

Daniel's life had a purpose. So does mine and so does yours. I pray today that whatever lions you face, the God who saved Daniel will close the mouth of the devil to save you as well.

Generation Huh!?

I was driving home from church tonight and John Mayer's Waiting on the World to Change came on. Somehow, it triggered this chain of semi-deep thoughts about my generation. Just bear with me while I try to untangle my mind.

We see in Bible history that generations would cycle in their obedience to God. Generations cycle. It's a fact. But why? I've noticed it in several areas. Read on.

What is it that forms the views on war that a generation holds? I know that current events and the culture around us play a role but a whole generation? Think about it... What made my grandparents' generation fight World War II on the lines and at home? What made the Vietnam generation protest as it did? What makes our generation feel so torn concerning the war that we are in right now? It is the same age group, same problem (war), and yet, very different reactions. Why?

At church, Jeff and I were having a brief discussion on church and views as our individual faiths grow. What molds each generation in their views on God and his word. While the foundations and scriptures do not change, what made one generations focus on his wrath and one on his grace? What made the one generation focus on the "book knowledge" of God and another on the relationship aspect of God? In most generations, there tends to be both but one prevails over the other. Again, same age group and same basis but different reactions.

What makes one generation of parents spank their children and another refrain from the same practice out of fear for their child's self-esteem?

What molds a generation?

Free Advertising

My friends, Jeff and Alissa, are definitely two of the strongest reasons I go to church at Southern Hills. Besides the fact that I can count on them holding me accountable for being there, they make me smile and laugh every time I see them. Jeff is the associate minister at the church as well as doing social work. Alissa is a mom and works part-time in the Hays District in a pre-school class. They are great friends, models of Christan faith, and wonderful parents. Both have blogs and are linked off to the side under my picture.

The reason that I bring it up is to not only brag on my fabulous friends but also to ask my Pleasanton family to check out Jeff's blogs. There is a HILARIOUS video that I know Jenn, Erin, and Jamie will laugh at for sure. More than that, I would be really interested in hearing what some of you have to say about his "Ideal Church" blogs. I would love to hear everyone's thoughts but especially Jackie and Dad. It's pretty thought provoking.

Anyway...check it out. It's very good stuff!

New Addiction

I have been sucked in. I was given a nano for Christmas and am spending WAY too much time playing with iTunes. Seriously! It is official, I am addicted. I've heard about how great it is but now I cannot roll my eyes anymore. I'm one of those people. I drank the kool-aide. It was good...

One thing that I have really enjoyed is finding new artists. Some that you may want to check out are Foy Vance, Mindy Smith, and Kendall Payne. You may already know about them but if not, you should. My newest favorite is a girl named Erin Bode. Besides her fabulous name, she is AMAZING! She is kind of like Jane Monheit but she does really beautiful remakes as well. She redid Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time with a male backup. It may sound weird but WOW! It is SO lovely! Nothing 80's about it at all. If you can find it, take a listen. She's worth the time!

And Erin, I am finding some car dancing, dusting the living room music! Good times!

Have a great week!

Shhhh......

One thing that I have realized since coming back from the break is that my apartment is VERY quiet. I can hear my neighbors from time to time but overall....very quiet! I was spoiled over the past two weeks by having someone to talk to. I don't mean only the huge, in depth conversations but also the little chatting conversations that tend to arise. It has been SO hard not to turn on the TV or radio just to fill the room with the presence of something (or someone) else. It's easy to take for granted the "Good morning! How did you sleep?" or "How was your day?" comments. The being still is good but very, very quiet. Don't be surprised if your phone rings. Just trying to fill the silence of home.

My Jenn

I am back in San Marcos after a MUCH needed break. I'm nowhere near ready to be back but the past two weeks have left me feeling loved. Many people made that happen but one that I am SO thankful for is my Jenn.

Everyone deserves a friend like Jennifer. She loves me unconditionally. She never leaves me in doubt of her opinion or feelings. She is brutally honest with me in the way that only a true friend can be. She laughs with me and cries with me all at the same time. She validates me and makes me question when need be. She slaps me upside the head when I need it most and then holds my hand through the pain. She holds me accountable and sets her standards high having full faith that, one day, I will meet them. She has a tender heart and a sweet spirit. I know that God smiles on her daily.

2006 in Retrospect

I know that it is a couple of days early but I'm not sure if I'll get to blog again before 2007 barrels into our lives. Looking back, 2006 was quite a year. Just like every year before it, and I'm sure every year yet to come, it had its high and low points. One thing that I have come to realize about myself is that I have a very selective memory. I only remember the good. After all, life is what you make of it. I choose to see the beauty of it all.

This year can be wrapped up for me in one word: Love. That's what it has all boiled down to. I was so blessed this year because I got to experience love in just about every way possible. From shared laughter to shared tears, it was all wonderful. It was all better than I could have ever anticipated and words cannot capture the thankfulness I have for it and for you. It gave me strength and confidence. It made me feel like something bigger than myself. I cannot tell you what it means to me and how you have changed my life through your presence in it.

The other thing this year has impressed upon me is the gift of simplicity. This past week, I walked dogs with my sister. She let me tag along with her to work and "help" her out. I honestly didn't plan on doing that while I was there but after the first night, I really looked forward to it. The joy and love that the animals had at first sight was so simple but so comforting. I think that 2007 will see a pet very quickly! But there was more than walking dogs for a day or two. It was getting lost in a book, the vibrant colors of plants as they came into full bloom, the feel of the breeze in your hair. It was a million tiny little things that get overlooked because we are so busy that we forget to stop and notice them. 2006 was about those awarenesses.

This was a year in which, for the first time, I felt like an adult. I took great pride in my work and found joy in it. Even though I find myself as confused today as I have in the past, I am thankful for the professionalism that I now feel. Beyond work, I feel independence and responsible for who I am and what I do. I don't know when it happened, but I don't see myself as a kid anymore. Somewhere in the past 12 months, I grew up.

There are things that I hope for 2007. I hope to begin my master's work in the fall. I hope to be in a house that stands independent of what I cannot control. I hope to see Boston. I hope I continue to look for the small things and find your love along the way.

Happy New Year to you all. Count your blessings and get ready to be piled up with more.

In Response to Jackie...

I was reading Jackie's Christmas blog this morning and I have been thinking about it. I was going to comment but it turned into the world's longest comment so now it is a blog. I have to start with a disclaimer though. I love the church. I really do. So here are my views on the whole Christmas thing. It may get me kicked me out of the church but I'm pretty sure that you will still love me.

Who cares if people are celebrating Christ's birth? If the whole world wants to stop for one day and one night to actually think about God...Go for it! I don't think He will mind. Why do we have to be the only ones that kick Jesus out of the holiday? I find it ironic that the church refuses to make one day any more significant that the rest when we do it so passively every year. Think about it…By trying so hard not to acknowledge it, aren't we actually acknowledging it and making it stand out? You know – don’t read that scripture about Christ being born today! That might make this day more important than the rest! Make sure that everyone knows we don’t celebrate the birth of Christ today but every day of the year! And those beautiful carols! We refuse to sing them at Christmas time but we don't sing them any other time of the year either. If we truly celebrate the birth of Christ on everyday, let's sing “Joy to the World” or “Oh Holy Night” in May. Oh...wait...we can't do that either! It might make people uncomfortable! If our minds are really supposed to be set on things above, I think that Christmas counts too. I don’t hold it more holy that any other but why not give it a better focus than the commercialism that consumes our society. After all, the whole family and loves ones side is usually a direct gift from God through Christ. It’s a shame that we can acknowledge it 364 days a year but not the one day that we could actually use it the most to evangelize. Oh...wait…make that 363 days…don’t forget about Easter…

Finally!

One semester down! As of 3:15 this afternoon we are on Christmas break! After staying up until 1:00 this morning getting ready for today, it went very well. It was the day of controled chaos that most people in my profession dread. Overall, the students did very well. They were spoiled rotten with gifts (see the picture below). They each got three gifts so our class tree was quite the sight. It was decorated with glass ornaments that we painted ourselves. So much fun! Half way through the day, it started hailing at our school. If you remember April at all, you can imagine the fear that came into the adults' eyes! It was smaller than pea-sized so it didn't do any damage - just gave us a good scare. The kids thought it was snow so that was fun. A student went to get a cup so the kids could see it. Perfect timing since we just studied weather! I'd post the picture but the student is in it. Privacy rights and all. Then our class shirts came in (check out those colors, Dad!). The party was sugar filled so the 3:00 bell was well appreciated by the teachers. Thankfully the kids took all of the food with them! :) I made it through without getting the traditional teacher mug. However, I now have a theme of bath sets. Hmmmm...what could they be trying to tell me? Now, I have about 2 weeks to be a person. What am I going to do with all of that free time!?

The More Things Change....

Sometimes you just gotta shake your head. I was walking into HEB after work when I passed an older woman very passionately discussing her frustrations with gift shopping to no one. In the past, this would have caught me off guard but with so many people using blue tooth and other hand free phone options, I just smiled. I laughed to myself as I quickly thought about how quickly things have changed. Instead of thinking her odd, I was actually quite impressed at her technological aptness. She looked to be my grandmother's age and here she was embracing the ever changing world of the cell phone. Then it happened.....

As I was passing her, she turned and smiled at me. I noticed....no phone or phone accessories anywhere! I was no longer looking at her with admiration. She really was that crazy old lady walking through the parking lot and yelling at herself! Oh my goodness!

I guess things haven't changed that much after all!

Please.....

One thing that I love about the Holy Spirit is that it speaks on our behalf - making sense of the groaning that our humanity can't express. Sometimes that groan is an indescribable joy and other times it is intense sorrow. Tonight, my soul groans.

You know the blog that Jackie wrote about asking for prayer requests but not vocalizing them? That is what I am doing tonight. I am ok but am VERY shaken on someone's behalf. I'm talking blurred vision and literally shaking. Please, pray for intercession on their behalf and peace on mine.

Mutualism in the Church

There is a scientific term that has been running through my mind today - Symbiosis. Symbiosis is when two organisms live together for the benefit of at least one of the two involved. A branch of that is mutualism and it is exactly the same except that both organisms benefit from the relationship rather than just one. I think this is what God had in mind when he established the role of elders in the church.

Today, Randy preached at both morning and evening services about the need for pastoral prayer - prayers for our elders. Now, I have to admit that the topic of the eldership has become increasingly more important and personal to me in about the past year. I obviously can't fill that role but as a daughter of an elder and a sheep in God's flock, my relationship with my leaders has taken on a whole new light.

We are given example after example in scripture of the role of elders in our church. When you boil it all down, we basically see that an elder is responsible for the spiritual well-being of the souls in God's church. They are to stewards of God's word and in constant prayer over the church. There is so much more to the position but that is the foundations of it all.

If I expect my leaders to rise to the standard which has been set for them, I have to do my part as well. God put the men in the eldership there for a reason. If someone wasn't qualified, I honestly don't believe that God would allow him to come into that role. My opinion of them doesn't matter as long as they are scriptually qualified. If I "don't like" one, I thank God for there being a plurality of leaders. I remind myself that someone needs them as a spiritual leader and that they are part of the leadership that I am under. I commit to follow who and what the Lord has established.

Randy has encouraged all of us to pray over our elders in several areas: their personal lives, spiritual leadership, administrators, prophets, and as teachers. If we do not edify and support our leaderships, they will be ineffective. Any complaints we may have not only destroy our relationships with them but also with God. I'm not saying we should ride the benches of our local churches. I'm just saying that we should attempt to understand the responsibility on their shoulders and encouraged them the best way that we can. We need to give back to them as much (if not more) than they give to us. They are only as strong in leadership as we are as followers. That is the mutualism in the church.

And the Number One Reason Is....

Lately I have been gripping a lot on here. Sorry! I'll try to get better about that, but tonight I need to vent one more time.

I am moving this summer. There are several but here is the number one reason why it MUST happen: My neighbors smoke. Up until now, it hasn't been that big of a deal. They smoked on their porch outside. Just a little annoying because I couldn't open my windows without the smell coming in but overall, nothing to really be concerned about. However, lately their smoke has moved inside. How do I know? It smells like a chain smoker lives in my apartment. This is not just me being sensitive either. Others have commented about it too. It is keeping me awake right now because of the stink! Their nicotine is coming up through the floor and vents. I reek of smoke and my apartment does too. When my home in invaded by someone else's habit, I am not a happy camper! Especially if I can't do anything about it! I'm calling the office tomorrow but I don't think they can do anything either. GRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I get lung cancer and die, sue the guys below me!

Benchmarks

At the end of each six weeks, we give our kids benchmark tests. Honestly...I hate it for so many reasons. I could seriously rant and rave right now like you would not believe. So I'll just pick one rant, say my peace, and then let it go. (yeah right)

For five weeks, my classroom busts its hump. I work ungodly hours and I push my kids pretty hard. I have high standards and I expect them to be met. The standard may not be the same for every kids but the expectation for growth and learning is there. So we WORK. Then, from somewhere way higher up than I, a test finds its way into my classroom. I don't see it until I give it. Therefore, I am just hoping that I have given them the information they will need to pass this test. Most of the time they do pretty well. The other times - not so much.

So here's my beef....Like I said, I hold a high bar for my kids. They are really good about meeting the standard. However, the benchmark doesn't always reflect that. In fact, most of the time, they are being tested over things they are not expected to have secured until April. I KNOW that my kids have learned and I can prove it. Yet, those stinkin' tests just don't show the improvement in them. It is so hard to lift their little chins with the graphs, wall movements, and score increases when that benchmark grade is looming over their heads.

My biggest fear is this....what if they come to expect failure. Once that acceptance sets in, there is no going back. I just hope that the love, pats on the backs, and mini-celebrations can be enough for them to see their growth over time.

What a mess!

Shooting Myself

So I wrote yesterday about how much I love my job and how everything is great. Then today hit. I guess my bragging set myself up for it....

From college until now, I have had experiences in about 4 different school districts. My current one is unlike any of the rest. Their expectations are high and that is the biggest double edged sword I know of. On one hand, I am growing as a professional leaps and bounds. On the other hand, they are slowly sucking the life out of us. I'm talking pressure and nervous break downs like you would not believe. I've been places where the anti-depressants were being taken to deal with the atmosphere but this is a whole new ballgame. This afternoon some new information came down the shoots and we nearly hit the fans. I don't cuss so at the moment, there are no words in my vocabulary to express exactly how strongly any of us are feeling about our current situation.

My list of soap boxes I would like to stand on is growing by the day. I mean, come on...seriously!?

The Fine Line I Walk

As much as I have gripped and complained about my job, I love it. I love the curriculum. I love the kids. I love my co-workers. I love how it pushes me to give even when I don't think there is anything else to give.

This year, I have been so intensely focused on work that I have come to a realization. I am walking the fine thin line between loving work and becoming a work-a-holic. Truth be told, I pour my heart and soul into this job. Just about every waking moment is spent working or thinking about work. I'll take breaks to see my friends a few times a week but I would estimate that the majority of my time is work driven. I think about work as soon as the alarm goes off. I work all day long and well into the night. I work while I watch TV and while I talk on the phone. This weekend the school is open. I will be there when it opens.

Last Friday, a co-worker and I had lunch together. She is engaged and she told me that she never thought she would chose work over being at home with a family. I see myself having that thought one day.

Is 26 too young to be so intense about work?

Addicted to Christmas

I just got home from getting a tree for my kids at school. They wanted one and Target had a good one for a good price. I got gift tags instead of ornements. This was they are cute but still won't break. I'll probably have a picture of it up soon. I saw Erin's blog and decided to do it too. Merry Christmas!

*Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate (especially from Starbucks!)

*Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? wrap in color coded gifts so we know who they belong to

*Colored lights on tree/house or white? white (Unless we are at the Griswald's house in Houston!)

*Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Erin and I would always wake Mom and Dad VERY early. Favorite time was in high school (sad but true), we misread a clock and got them up at 4:30 a.m. They weren't too happy when we all realized it. Oops!

*When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I asked Mom in 5th grade. Talk about disappointed!

*Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? on even numbered years in Houston

*How do you decorate your Christmas tree? While watching a Christmas movie and drinking hot chocolate

*Do you remember your favorite gift? Nope

*What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Time with the family and friends without having to rush back to work or feel guilty about it.

*What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Fat Ladies!

*What is your favorite holiday tradition? Opening stockings first or driving round and looking at lights

*What tops your tree? a big maroon bow

*Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? giving - especially it I know they will like it!

*What is your favorite Christmas Song? either The Christmas Song, White Christmas, or Silent Night

*Candy Canes - Yuck or Yum? Not so much

*Shop all year round for gifts or are you last minute shopper? Plan for months but shop last minute

*What's your favorite holiday movie and why? Serious would have to be It's a Wonderful Life. Talk about a great reminder of what's important! Funny is Christmas Vacation with the Huttons and Kellys.

It's Been a Long Time Comin'

This is a long one but please take the time to read it. It’s a big one for me!

We all have times in our lives where we look back and think about the “what ifs” and “if I could have onlys”. We find comfort in telling ourselves that hind sight is 20/20. Other times, we are in a moment and we know exactly what is going on. We can put our finger on it and name it. For me, the past few months have been spent in the “what ifs” but yesterday, I had an epiphany.

I guess that it really started about a week ago (see the over-analyzing blog). I’ve been reassessing several things and letting go of even more. Then, this week, work was crazy but it didn’t seem to bother me as much. But the moment that I could put my finger on and name happened yesterday.

I had a great lunch with Mom and then went to see some incredible friends perform on the AMC show. They were phenomenal! I was watching them and realized that I didn’t want to be in the back with the camera. I wanted to be up there with them. I decided right then that as much as I like my job, it has to stop being my life. I gave up something that I want to do to work myself to death. That is dumb and must stop. I have to make time for what I want and that starts now.

Then later that evening, we went to the Chordsmen show and watched the chorus and Exclamation! sing on the Christmas show. It was the first time in about 5 months that I haven’t cried during (or after) a performance. The best part was that it didn’t even occur to me until after the show. Whenever I realized it, it was like a HUGE weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I just had to sit back and take a mental picture. Definitely an exact moment that I wanted to remember!

After the shows, we went to Earl Abel’s for dinner. I adore my friends but we are ruthless. Mess up once and you will never be allowed to forget about it. We spent a few hours picking on each other and just laughing. At one point, I looked around and felt at home. That is right where I needed to be - in the middle of people I love and that love me - laughing.

Today I feel still and quiet inside. Peace feels good!

Chorale

Tonight was a chorale concert up at TSU. About eight people I know were involved so I decided to spend the $2.00 and make a night of it. It was SO beautiful! There was a touch of classical music but LOTS of hymn and folk type songs. Several were just calm, soothing pieces. A wonderful end to a chaotic week!

Next weekend, they are performing Handel's Messiah in Austin. For years, I have wanted to hear it sung at Christmas time. Looks like it's finally going to happen. :)

Hope your weekend is off to a good start!

The Day of the Ego Boost

For whatever reason, today was good for my ego. So if you will indulge me, I am going to share. I promise that this isn't an "Oh the greatness of me!" time but just a feel good day that I want to share.

There are just some days when a girl feels pretty. Today was one of those days. The funniest thing about it was that I am just wearing a big, bulky sweater and brown slacks. No bright colors, no fancy jewelry, no stylish clothes. Just some blah colors that are working today. Apparently, it's not just me. I went up to school after my training and all of the kids and co-workers were very complementary. It feels great! Yep, I'm pretty conceited at the moment.

On a less superficial level, I had training at one of the Jr. High schools today and I ran into a student I didn't have last year. She was the bully who ran the school. When I say school, I don't mean the kids...I mean the teacher too. (She was leaving the office from getting a referral for calling a teacher Barney. She was nice to that one!) For some reason, there were about three people who she thought were worth listening to. I happened to be one of them. We hugged and talked for a minute. I told her that I still had our picture on the computer and her face showed extreme shock. I asked why she was so surprised. She though I would have torn it up. It seemed to blow her mind that anyone would keep her picture around. The funny thing about it is that girl is one of the reasons that I stay in this career I have chosen. She grinned pretty big when I told her that. It pretty much made my day. :)

Thanks for indulging my good day and big head.

'Tis the Season

For some reason, this year I am really in the Christmas spirit. Not the monetary stuff but just the beauty and comfort that comes from this time of year. I know that some are not into the holiday as much as I am but that is just fine. To each his own. The distraction and festivities slow me down and make me reprioritize by ever increasing workaholic state. It calms me down.

I put my tree up on Sunday night while The Polar Express played in the background. I REALLY like my tree. I love to plug it in, turn on some Christmas music (or movie), and sit on the couch under a blanket with hot chocolate. The only thing that could make it better would be no work and real Christmas weather. Well, come tomorrow evening, I will have the cold weather too. I cannot wait!

Hope you are enjoying the season too!

*Sigh*

So my guilty pleasure for the past couple of months has been watching The Bachelor. I know that it is cheesy but so am I. I have laughed at some of the girls because I don't believe that a relationship can be strongly forged in such non-realistic circumstances. I am disappointed in his choice but it was his to make. However...I have to admit that I grinned from ear to ear as Jenn realized that she was chosen. She lit up and glowed from the inside out. Happiness radiated from within her.

There is nothing more beautiful than watching someone fall in love.

Over Analyzing...Again

Hi. My name is Dana and I over analyze everything. Now for those of you who just chuckled, I agree...this is the understatement of the decade. For those of you who didn't, stop and thank God above that you have dodged the bazillion questions that I ask almost on a daily basis.

I say all of that as a note before this blog. Now...on to what I am here for.

Today I was at my parents' house packing up the car before heading to the Hutton's for lunch and a movie. I was thinking about a few major things that have dominated my thoughts for the past few months. You know....health, relationships, work....the usual. As my mind was racing through some questions and attempting to come up with some sort of answers, something inside of me slammed on the brakes. I had a major "AH-HA!" moment! Here is the gist of it.

Do the whys, hows, whats, and whens really matter!? NO! Sure, they are nice to know but in the grand scheme of things...no! All that matters is that life is what it is. God allows things to happen and it is up to me to work through it in faith. And what is faith? Being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Nowhere in that definition do I see a promise of complete clarity and understanding. Nowhere do I see a guarantee of questions answered.

So what does that mean for someone like me who analyzes everything? For me, it means peace. It means letting go of a lot of stuff that really isn't mine to hold on to. My "AH-HA!" is this: I know what happened on my part. I know my concerns for others. I know how it appears things are falling into place. I know that certain health concerns are out of my hands and some are up to me to work with. Basically, I know truth on my part (my perception of a situation). That is all I know. Do I need to know everyone else's thoughts and concerns? Nope. Will my ability to understand other people change? Not always. So why spend so much energy on it? Why let my mind dwell of the unanswered questions that, sometimes, I truly don't want the answer to? That's dumb! I just won't stay there anymore. It doesn't make me healthy, wealthy, or wise (let alone happy).

Then I realized that I was over analyzing over analyzation.....Oh well!

Shhhh....It's a Secret

Every weekend, I give my kids a random, fun "homework" to do while they are out. Sometimes it is sweet (Hug everyone in your family) and other times it is silly (See how many times you can spin around before you fall down). It seems to be something that they look forward to getting because they really never know what they will get.

Their homework over the break was to think about what they are most thankful for (predictable - I know). At 10 years old, it is easy to become self absorbed (well....it's easy at 26, too) so I'm hoping they will see something outside of themselves. Something outside of their PlayStation, jewelry, and wrestlers.

Today, I think I know what one of mine is. One of the things that I am most thankful for in this world is inside jokes. I know that it sounds silly and superficial but just hear me out...

Inside joke are FABULOUS! Think about it - They are born when you are with someone special, someone you want to spend time with. They often stem from very ordinary moments. Then anytime you are with that person and the joke is triggered, you immediately look at each other and laugh. They always make you smile - no matter what circumstances you are in. It is a special secret that only you share. They are about relationships. They are intimate.

So today, if I share an inside joke with you, I am thankful for you.

What's in a Name?

This afternoon, I spent some time with my minister. We were talking about a lot of things and several really touched my heart and opened my eyes. I thought I would share one that was particularly wonderful. I hope I can share it with the power it has on me. Hope it blesses you as well.

God created the world in seven days. He would create something, name it, and then declare it good. On the sixth day, he did something very special. After he created and named man, he gave man a job. He told man to name the creatures of the earth and gave him dominion over them (Gen 1: 26-30; 2:15-20). God basically gave over to man anything that he could name . If he can name it, he can control/rule over it.

When Moses saw the burning bush, a lot of dialogue took place but his first question was about the name of God. God's response is very telling. He answers with a very simple but very strong "I AM". It is almost as if God is saying, "You cannot name me and, therefore, cannot have control over me.

Abram became Abraham. Jacob became Israel. Simon became Peter. Saul became Paul. One day, God promises a new name to those who overcome.

It seems that in naming something, you gain control and power over it. Parents name children, owners name pets, lands were claimed in the name of a country. You get the idea. The same can be said for emotions. I have always believed that whatever emotion you feels is yours. There is no right or wrong. You have the right to feel how you feel - from anger to sorrow to joy. However....you must control how you feel. Not in the suppressive sense but in the "what you do with it" sense. If you can name how you feel and embrace it, you can rule it. Then you decide if you move on or let go. You decide whether how you react to it. You own it, it does not own you. You are the master.

I hope that makes sense. Above that, I hope it gives you the strength to handle whatever is thrown your way today.

Woo Hoo!

I have been asked to be one of two people to represent our campus on our district's Academic Council! Work is crazy right now but I couldn't pass this one up. I'm not sure what will be required of me but I'll know more on December 5. Looks like I'm in the right place for my career right now! Just thought I would share the good news! :)

Love

Everyday I think I am learning something new about love. The lesson that God is pounding into me right now is that love is hard.

I have a difficult class this year. Their attitude and motivation changes literally moment to moment. Most of the time, it hinges on the behavior on my FOCUS students (FOCUS is the program for students labeled emotionally disturbed). They rule the room and they don't even know it. My whole day depends on how they feel.

One of them had a BAD hour yesterday. He had his Pokemon cards picked up at lunch and given to me. I told him that he could have them back at the end of the day and he LOST it. I'm talking grabbing my wrist and yanking me around, hitting me, ramming his body full force into me, etc etc etc. He had to be removed into intense FOCUS for the remainder of the day.

Today he was fine. He even had an apology note that he gave to me of his own accord. We had a great day until writing. I still haven't figured out why but he cut his eyelashes with his scissors. He was SO embarrassed and upset. We spent a while just chilling out and relaxing so he could go to PE.

Just about everyday he loves on me with leaning and hugs. Then, he turns about and tells me that he hates me and calls me names that would have gotten my mouth rinsed out with soap. Then an hour later, he is apologizing and leaning his forehead on my shoulder. Then he does something to that makes my head hurt.

I can see why most people stay angry at him. He says and does hateful things. He is disrespectful and mean. He doesn't know how to handle his emotion so his impulse control needs lots of training. There are some teachers from his past that have never gotten over him. They haven't allowed him to change and grow. But I am not that person. I love this child to death. He is the one I will wonder about in years to come. He can't 100% control what he does so you have to look beyond his behavior and see into his heart. He is doing the very best that he can with all that he has. I love him for it.

That's the thing about love. Most of the time, it is not easy to love this child but despite that, I do. It is hard to be called names and treated like poo. You don't chose who touches your heart. There is no rhyme or reason to it. There is no explaining why people do what they do or are what they are. You just love and accept people where they are. You just love the best that you can with all that you have - no matter how hard it is.

Revelation Song

My good friend Danielle is the worship leader at her church. About a year ago, she lead worship at a youth rally and she had to learn Revelation Song. I spent quite a bit of time in her classroom while she was learning the song and I fell in love with it. One of my two favorite New Testament books is Revelation so it struck a chord in my heart. Tonight I found the song on my cousin's website. Here are the lyrics. If you want to actually hear the song, go to http://www.myspace.com/karijobemusic. Select Revelation Song once you get there. Enjoy!

REVELATION SONG

Worthy is the... Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He
Sing a new song... to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat
(Repeat)

CHORUS:
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will... adore you

Clothed in rainbows... of living colors
Flashes of lightening... rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
to You the only wise King

CHORUS

Filled with wonder... awe struck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery... yeah

CHORUS

My Mecca

Mom once called College Station an Aggie's Mecca. She was right. Today I spent the day at Kyle Field and LOVED it! It was seriously like coming home. It was familiar but still 100% exciting. We had some of the best seats I have ever seen (first deck, row 12, 45 yard line - seriously, look at the picture - no zoom!)! The band was fabulous! And then came my boys...what can I say, they break your heart just about every time! They tried so we have to give them some credit.

Before we went to the game, we stopped at Jeff's grandpa's house to get the tickets. He is class of '42 and was wearing his Aggie Ring. It has been worn down over time but it is still there, loud and proud! I got the warm fuzzies seeing it. :)

While we were there, Alissa and I got to talking about our seats. We put together that we would be sitting in original seats from the original stadium. I have to admit that this crossed my mind as we sawed the last time. How many people have stood where I was standing and yelled for the Ags? It was a little humbling to know that the love and respect for our school's traditions have withstood the tests of time. It made me feel proud to be a part of the Aggie family.

Maybe Mom is right...this is a bit like a cult!

Table for One

People often say that "Ignorance is Bliss". You know, how can you know any different from your life unless you have been exposed to other things. Sometimes not knowing is wonderful - you just don't know it at the time. Tonight, I completely understand!

I've often prided myself on being pretty independent. I don't make insignificant decisions easily but can be pretty determined when my mind is set on something. I've never needed anyone to define who I am or to validate what I do. If I want to do something or go somewhere, I do.

I've taken part of the conversation about eating out alone or going to the movies alone several times. That has never been something that has bothered me. Take a book or just people watch. No big deal. Until tonight...

You see, its been a while since I've gone out by myself and in about 30 minutes, I'm gonna do it again. There is a movie that I want to see and everyone already has plans. So it is either go alone or don't go at all. The second choice is stupid so it is off to get a bite and to the show - by myself. I'm not used to that anymore. Suddenly it feels like a big deal (even though I know its not).

Maybe it will be like riding a bike...you never forget how to do it. Just jump on and go.

***Update: Go see Stranger than Fiction. Totally different role for Will Ferrell but WONDERFUL!***

On the Lighter Side

I don't like having my last blog be a sad one so I've been sitting here trying to come up with something to write as a replacement. So far, all yucky ideas. Instead, I thought I would share some quotes frome one of my favorite authors, Mitch Albom. I quoted from his newest book a couple of posts ago but here are some from his other two books that I love. Enjoy!

Tuesdays with Morrie

• The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.
• Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark.
• Love wins. Love always wins.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

• Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.
• Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else.
• Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know.
• But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time.

At a loss

Lately, I have been watching human behavior. A very sad conclusion that I have reached is this: People are mean.

If you look back at your days in school, there was a kid in your class that got picked on. They were singled out and picked on. Now we call it bullying. My class has one. We will call this student "Sam". Sam is sweet and enthusiastic. Sam loves to learn and is relatively naive to the things of this world. It is refreshing to visit and talk to Sam. Almost reassuring that not all kids know too much too fast.

The other kids are mean to Sam. Excuse me...ruthless. They touch each other and pass on "Sam germs". They look straight at Sam and call Sam ugly. They laugh in Sam's face and call Sam dumb and gross. They talk behind Sam's back, steal Sam's things, and purposefully seek out ways to make Sam cry. It is almost a game. I know...I've watched it on a daily basis.

The kicker is that I have tried everything I legally can to make it stop. Nothing has worked. It has reached the point that Sam was recently diagnosed as having Trichotillomania. In case you don't know what this is, it is a condition where you pull out your own hair to release anxiety and stress. At 9 years old! What is wrong with this picture!?

What kills me is this - where did a group of children learn to be so mean!? What have they seen and what is life like for them? I mean, think about it. They are looking for ways to make Sam's life miserable - on purpose! I've never had the feeling of Me vs. Them. No one else in that room is fighting for Sam, so it is up to me. And I am losing. What do I do? This is not rhetorical....

What do I do!?

Count, Count, Count, Counting the Days

I was walking through Target after work and I got a little annoyed that the store already has out Christmas stuff. Then I realized...Thanksgiving is in two weeks! Christmas is actually out later than normal! No forgetting my favorite holiday of the year! Family and friends surrounded by a meal lovingly prepared. Aggie Football and lots of games! Then, because of the way that the calendar fell, over a month of the Christmas season! WOO HOO!! I am suddenly all kinds of excited and looking forward to it!

Tonight, I am filled with anticipation. It is the holiday season. I know that many people don't like the commercialism of the next six weeks but I have to admit, this is my favorite time of the year. Minus the shopping, everyone is nicer and more relaxed. Everything is beautiful. I look forward to coming home to sit on the couch with a blanket, hot chocolate, and book to read while the tree sparkles by the window. Maybe some traditional Christmas music in the background with a little Harry Connick Jr thrown in here and there. Finding the perfect gift for that member of the family. The kids getting excited and sharing good seasonal stories with them. Grandma's chocolate letters. Christmas Eve dinner with the family and lunch the next day with tired, excited cousins that got up way too early. Laughing with the aunts and uncles. Yep - I'm excited!

Home, Sweet Home

I am ready for a house. Not just any house but MY house. A place that I can make my own. Nothing big and fancy - just enough for me. A place where I can open my windows without worrying if the smokers below me will make my apartment smell like nicotine. My own walls where sounds don't travel from unit to unit. A place where the water isn't turned off every couple of weeks. A place where the college students aren't getting going just as I am trying to fall asleep. A place to establish and take care of myself.

Here's the catch...I've always said that I wouldn't have a house until I was married. A house feels very permanent so why invest in something so huge and then have to possibly change it when that time comes? I know...very over analytical but that's me. So I am going to compromise. I can't afford to buy a house right now anyway so I'll rent until I can. As long as I am out of an apartment, I'll be a happy girl. Get my feet wet in the whole house thing until life really settles down. Besides, there is no telling where I will land next.....

My Pretty Ring

I have a pet peeve at work and my kids learn it very quickly. Because of past experience, lots of my students call me Mrs. instead of Ms. I correct them until I can't stand it anymore and then I pull out the ring lesson. I hold up my left hand and say "Look. No ring, no 'r'. Ms. NOT Mrs." Usually this works but a confused baby will always point to my Aggie Ring and say that I do have a ring. The other students give them the "DUH!" look but I love it. I get to have the talk with them, especially the girls, about the importance of my ring.

To me, my Aggie ring stands for so much more than my academic education. I stands for four years of personal growth and learning. It represents independence and intelligence. I tell the girls that it is more important than any other ring that they will receive because no one can give it to them. It is something you have to earn.

Since I picked up my Aggie ring, my fingers have changed and it doesn't fit quite right. The truth is...it falls off. I have "lost" it a few times when it slipped off and I didn't feel it. Well, the time has come, my friends, for that to change. I have decided to get it resized. I've made contact with the Association of Former Students to get all of the information I will need.

However...there is not so wonderful news. I have to MAIL it in. They want me to put my ring in a box and drop it into the US mail. I might be overreacting but I think not. It is bad enough that my finger will be naked for weeks until it is returned but it is also floating around out of my care!

This is not a happy thought!

Book Review

About a week and a half ago, I made an impulse purchase. I was at Target and about to leave when I decided to take a walk by the books. Much to my surprise, I saw a new book by one of my two favorite authors. Sitting on the shelf was For One More Day by Mitch Albom. Without giving it a second thought, I walked to the register and paid for it. The goal was to read it in a week but that didn't happen. So, tonight, the goal was to read for 20 minutes and again it did not happen....Seventy pages later, I finished the book.

The book is about a man who is allowed to spend one more day with his mother who has passed away a few years before this story is set. It is about understanding why things happen and the healing that comes when the questions are answered.

Just like Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven, the book left me thoughtful and reflective. Albom is one of those authors that just cuts you to your innermost being. He makes you stop and think about what you are doing and why. He has two resounding themes in his books. 1) Your actions have consequences. What is more important than your consequences is what you do next. 2) The "little things" are truly important in this life. Treasure them.

I love quotes. There are several that ring true to me in this book. The two that stand out significantly to me at this point in my life are as follows:

You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart.

You can find something truly important in an ordinary minute.

Read it. Read anything by Mitch Albom. You will be better for it.