Laying It All Out There in Brutal Honesty

Throughout the course of wrapping myself around this breakup, I have had my eyes opened to many truths about myself, relationships, and the faithfulness of our Lord. God is gracious in His answers to prayers. Overall, He has blessed me with peace and comfort as I could not have imagined. However, today has been a rough day. I've had to admit some things that I have not wanted to admit to myself let alone out loud for anyone else to hear. The very writing of this blog is something that I have debated all day and even as I type, I am wary of it. I feel as if I am about to admit to something that I do not want to and am not supposed to. Yet, here I sit, exposing myself to the world. Maybe this is too much. Maybe this is too personal. No maybes about it, this is a tough pill for me to swallow right now. I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish with laying all of this out there. I think what it comes down to is laying it all down before God in the faith of deliverance from the hurt and fear.

From the time I was still living with Mom and Dad, I have said that I wanted to be fully self supported before I ever got married. I wanted to make my own way so that when the time came, I knew I was marrying for the right reasons: love, companionship, a mutual goal in seeking the Lord. I never wanted to marry because I felt like it was necessary to my survival. This is one of my childhood goals that has come to fruition. I have my own home, I pay all of my bills, and I maintain a life independently of dependence upon anyone else. However, it is not 100% what I envisioned. Then again, what ever is? While it has its definite perks, I find things missing from my life. Someone to sharing things with, to laugh with, to cry with, to seek God with. Someone to sit on the couch and watch TV with. Someone to sit at the table and have dinner with. Someone to dream with, travel with, share a life with.

What I am about to say is a simple sentence. No difficult words, no confusing meanings. At the same time, it is hard to me because it seems to grow stronger all of the time.

I want to get married.

Today, all day, I have been reminded of my singleness. I have been forced to look at myself at 28 years old and realize that I am back at square one again. This time around though, I am seeing things a little bit differently. I am being heavily reminded that marriage is not a promise that God gives me. That may not be something that He has in store. These are all words I have spoken before but a deep truth reverberates in them tonight. All the things that I have put on hold in hopes of sharing it with someone else need to stop being put off because they could possibly never come to be if I keep waiting. Hopes for a home, a family, trips to share, work to do together . . . . all of it. While a small part of me feels liberated by this final realization, my face is soaked in tears and my body shakes in sobs. It feels as if a lifetime dream is being dashed and all I can do is helplessly sit by and watch it happen. I know that God's way is best so I pray that I accept whatever He leads me to.

Psalm 121 has been heavily on my heart the past three weeks. I read and dwell on it daily. It gives me hope and strength through this fear.

I lift up my eyes to the hills -

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord.

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip -

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches of Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you -

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm -

he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.