The past few months have been insane for me. Do I stay in San Marcos? Do I move? Where do I move? About a month ago, Mom told Jeff and Alissa that she was never sure which "me" she would get when she answered my calls. I can see why that would be true. I have been praying for profound clarity and I can see a few of things now. I have avoided the conversation out of the need to not disappoint anyone. No decision have been made or papers signed yet. Sorry if you thought that is what you would find here.
I have come to realize something about myself through this whole process. I am one huge walking contradiction. For example, the things that I love most (travel, bookstores, theater, etc) are all city types of things. I love the life that a city can provide. On the other hand, I long for a place where I can sit and see forever into the starry night, uninterrupted by city lights. I love rivers and beautiful old oak trees and fields of wild flowers. To crave both seems hard to reconcile when choosing a place to plant roots and call home.
Another example: I love my friends and family to no end. I love to be close to them and see them often. Yet, a part of me wants to break out and try new places and new things. The comfort and adventure of it all seems to not weave together easily.
Despite the inner questions that float through my mind, I write this with more peace than I have had in a few weeks. I'm not sure what the next couple of weeks will hold but tonight, I feel calm. Calm is good....
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3 comments:
I think most of us are walking contradictions whether we think so or not.
Raised in the big city, moving to a small town at 18 and into the country at 22 I know the lure of the big city and the peace of country living. I went through the small stuggle you are going through. I did not feel I had a choice in my location and probably resented it for a number of years. That is until I had the opportunity to make my own decision of where I chose to live.
Of course, I ended up buying the place in the country, a little five acre place but every day was like a vacation day. That was right for me. Just 20 minutes from the big city attractions but the peace of the country for my days.
I am glad you are at peace now. And hopefully your answer will come soon for your new year.
i agree with darla. we are all walking contradictions. I am glad you are peaceful though and i hope you find what you want.
I'm also a walking contradiction and I'm not.
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