Same Song, Ten Months Later....

Last October, I posted a video of Brandon Heath's song "I'm Not Who I Was". I remember that it spoke to me so strongly of forgiving past hurts. It has continued to be one of my favorite songs and today Brandon sang it live on KSBJ with just his guitar. I was thrilled to hear it but I realized that it sounded significantly different than I have ever heard it before. The words and the tune were the same but it spoke to my heart in an entirely new way. Here is how....

Over the past two years, God has been doing an overhaul on me. He has been gently molding this clay to see and experience Him in ways that I never expected. He has been faithful "to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Eph 3:20). It has been so gradual that it has often only been in retrospect that I have seen exactly how far He has brought me in our relationship.

When I look back at who I was two years ago, I remember feeling so proud of myself for not having done anything "that bad". At the time I didn't see my pride but now - WHOA! I was deep in it! I was sure that I had God figured out and that I knew how to do this Christian thing pretty well. Thankfully, through many circumstances and over time, God has revealed what He looks like. He is showing me that He does not think as I think or even how I expect Him to think. He is not confined to what I think He should do or to act as I think He should act. He is teaching me what love is and what it means to be loved in its purest form. He is teaching me about relationship over all things. He is revealing the beauty of grace and forgiveness for others.

As I have look at myself two years ago, I struggle with the misconceptions and times I missed the mark. I have spent much time wishing that I could go back, grab my shoulders, and give myself a good shake. It has been a difficult pill to shallow but today has produced the cure.

As I listened to "I'm Not Who I Was", I did not associate it as a song meant to be addressed from me to someone else. I heard it as who I am now sitting across a table talking to who I was two years ago. It was beautiful and freeing all at the same time. It released anger, sadness, and disappointment in who I was, what I thought, and what I had missed out on. It was a song about forgiving myself. This morning, listening to Brandon, I just wanted to step back in time and hug myself, saying that even though it would be a tough couple of years, everything from here would only go up. Now I know that I was right where I needed to be for God to do what He needed to do. I cannot forget that. I cannot forget who I was because that has helped form the foundation of who I am. I am thankful to remember but to never go back. Now I know that up will only continue in His hands and at His feet.

"...to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Eph 3:21

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath (lyrics )