Day Eight: Control

I was getting pretty discouraged about the Surprise Me thing today because as I drove home from bible study, there hadn't been one. I was trying to figure out how to write about a non-surprise when that is completely against the whole point. Then, I opened my blog and there it was - in the comments.

At some point today, Mom made the comment, "...as you are always so under control". What!?!? I need to state, for the record, that this is SO far from true! Years ago, I quickly learned that "in control" is so far away from where I am, I'm not even sure it can be connected in the same solar system. It took me quite a while but I have learned that relinquishing control to someone who actually knows what He's doing is a much better place to live. So the thought that people may think that I am under control surprised me greatly! Not only that people may think I'm under control but that my mother thinks that! She's the one who gets the frantic phone calls. She is who I call when I know I'm off in another world and need to be brought back to earth. She is who I call when I feel completely out of control and need to be reigned in. That she would deem me worthy of being in the same sentence as control just about does me in!

Day Seven: Refiner's Fire

Today would be a great day to skip posting on! Surprises are not always good and today's definitely fits into that column. While on the retreat over the weekend, I prayed a dangerous prayer. I asked God to show me what parts of my life still need to be cleansed. Today He started to show me.

Apparently I have a pretty short fuse at times. And crunch time at the beginning of the day is not the best foot to start out on. There was traffic before and after work. Many drivers got my two cents and then some. I also learned what it means to get so annoyed with someone that your vision blurs. I may have over-reacted slightly and singled someone out who most likely didn't deserve it. That has never happened before and it scared me to death. As soon as it happened, a co-worker walked in my room and I don't know what she saw/heard. Truth is, it wouldn't matter because it wasn't pretty at all. I'm ashamed....to say the least.

So into the fire we go.....

Days Four, Five, and Six: The Retreat

This weekend was the Ladies Retreat for the women of West Houston church of Christ. We went to Lake Tomahawk just outside of Livingston, TX. The theme of the weekend was based on the book and video series "When Wallflowers Dance" by Angela Thomas. It was a good weekend. For most, it was the beginning of something that God started doing in my life about a month ago. It was exciting to watch these women starting to take these leaps of faith, knowing what they will experience in days to come. God is amazing at changing lives!!! Here is a brief rundown on surprises day by day:

Day 4: Friday - Shutting Down and Opening Up

I was very pleasantly surprised to actually make it away from school and to the church on time. School has a tendency to suck me in and consume my time. Yet, my alarm on my phone went off and out the door I walked. Everything wasn't done but I left the guilt there with what I'll pick up on Monday morning. Then, I arrived at the church and got on the bus on time. Anyone who knows me will see the surprise in that! :)

As we joined together for our first session, I noticed that I have come into a season of joy and anticipation. After years of healing and selfishness, God has now deemed it fit that it is time to celebrate and move on to the next level. This was given by our theme verse for the weekend, I Peter 2:2-3, "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk so that you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good."

Can I just say, I have tasted that the Lord is good!!! In all ways and in all things, God is good! Now that I can say and embrace this about all seasons and experiences, it is again time to move on again. I have no idea what that is but right now I am very excited about the unknown.

Day 5: Saturday - Redeemed

For years, I have heard the name Redeemer. While there have been many times that a theological definition has been given, yesterday was the first personal experience I have had with deeply knowing that I have a personal Redeemer and what that means.

We started the day off with quiet time and I chose a place on the lake. The fog was a thin layer over the lake, swirling and lifting as if turned by the fingers of God Himself. It made me think about the image of the Spirit hovering over the waters in the beginning.

As I sat and stared at it, one verse kept running through my mind - Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "He has made everything beautiful in its time." The Spirit began to speak over me that this is what redemption is. God has not only been there with me and seen every hurt, disappointment, and struggle, but He has healed it and now is making it beautiful. This beauty is taking something Satan intended for evil and making it something He can use for His purpose. I'm learning that everything that happens, God will use it for His glory and for His people. I'm beginning to see a pattern to some quiet times I've been having (see day 1).

Now not only am I seeing redemption in my life but in those lives around me. I'm seeing relationships healed, hearts changed, spiritual eyes opening, mighty works being performed, and people taking risks for Him. Redemption is God calling His people out of a place complacency and drawing them back to Him.

Day 6: Sunday - Famous

Today's surprise is short. One simple line but it has run through my mind all day. It is a truth that is now a prayer. We will see how it plays out because right now, I have no idea what God will do with it.

I want to make God's fame known on this earth.

Day Three: Contemplation

One thing that I find amazing is how alike we all are when you get down to it. Yes, there are significant differences but when I see myself in someone else, it makes me smile. This morning I sat down to read the day's chapter and found myself chuckling. Terry Esau works in the music world. He scores music for companies, radio slots, and commercials. He is a competitive bike rider and a father of three. He has a unique view of the world. I honestly think that the only thing we might have in common is this experiment. Yet, as I sat down and opened the book, I found my thoughts in his words. Here is what we were both thinking this morning: This is hard! As a human with ideas of how things should be, it is hard to be open to "whatever" without some opinions on what that "whatever" will look. For example, I would love to tell you that today I had this HUGE ah-ha moment or experience but I didn't. There is nothing that I love more than when God blows my mind but those moments are reserved for His purposes, not mine. So I wait on Him remembering that this is a 30 day thing, not 3. In the waiting, that is where I think that the meat of this experience is taking place.

The whole concept of this is to wait on God. It is to put yourself aside and just be open to His will, His plan, His way. So I find myself looking for Him in everything all day long. Along the way, I'm getting all of these mini-lessons throw at me. Here are a couple of examples from today:

- One of my students kind of drives me nuts. It really isn't her fault. She is an active child, unable to focus and it is really hurting her education. She is a sweet girl but just wears me out in every way. But she has been entrusted to me this year so we'll see how it plays out. Anyway, we had an assembly today and she got to sit by me "so she could see" (and would be within arms reach if need be). She was WONDERFUL! Apparently, literally sitting at my feet and leaning on my legs is very soothing to her. Made me remember that sitting at the feet of God can have the same affect of me. Not asking anything but just sitting, leaning, and being in His presence. I've got to do that more often!

- A little girl earned a reward and when I told her what it was, she started crying and told me that she didn't want THAT reward. She wanted something else. It got all over me and made me so irritated! Immediately, I was slapped with the thought that isn't that what I sometimes do to God? He blesses me when He is under no obligation and I just complain that it isn't what I wanted. I can be such a brat....and He loves me anyway!

- As I input grades into the grade book, I found that I was super excited when a struggling kid got a 70 on an assignment and when a high achieving kid got a 100, I just shrugged it off as expected. It made me think about the story of the angels rejoicing over the lost one that was found rather than the 99 saved. I then thought about how much I need to be like that - honoring and celebrating the growth rather than the expected.

- I have also found myself praying some pretty surprising things. Last night, I was driving home from church listening to the song I posted a week ago ("Something Big" by John Waller). I found myself overwhelmed again and I heard myself pray that I am tired of being in His way. I'm tired of putting myself in the way of what He wants to do. What made my eyes shoot open was not so much the words I was praying but the sincerity behind them. I fully believe that the biggest thing in the way is me and I'm tired of it!

So that is day three. Tomorrow I am leaving right after work to head to the ladies retreat so I won't post again until Sunday. Something else that Esau and I agree on is that writing about the day is nearly the most significant part of the day. It helps to process what has gone on. It feels like God is whispering what He thought was most important for me to remember from the day. So that is why these posts are so long. Enjoy your three days to get through this one. The next one will cover at days 4, 5, and 6. It's sure to be a novel.

Day Two: The Email

Before talking about today, I have to mention something from last night. It isn't intended as a guilt trip so if it come across that way, I apologize in advance.

Michelle and I were walking out the door to head to bible study when my phone chimed. I had just received a text from Erin telling me she wasn't making it to bible study. I was immediately bummed. Even though we haven't really had the opportunity to discuss it like studies in the past, one of my favorite parts of Tuesday nights has always been to talk about it afterwards. Yes, Mom gets a summary of the night's lesson on my drive home but its not the same as talking about it with someone who was there. And who better to talk about it with that the person who knows you better than just about anyone? So I was bummed but I got over it and study was good (obviously).

Fast forward to this morning. The kids were doing the calendar thing and I took advantage of the time to quickly check my email. Sitting in my inbox was an email from Erin. This is not anything surprising or out of the blue. I get emails from her at least once a week at school. This one was different though. From the way that the screen is laid out, the first thing my eyes saw was, "I have to tell you this and I'm not sure why but after reading your blog post I am compelled to do so." Ok...insight into Dana: Telling me that you feel compelled about anything makes me take significant notice - especially when you don't know why. In my mind, compelled means "burdened by God." Whether you agree with that definition or not, that has been my experience as the one compelled to share and as the receiver. So, needless to say, my students faded into the background and I was focused. My Erin then went on to speak such sweet words over me that I had tears in my eyes (I do again just remembering it). Everything that I would have wanted to talk to her about after last night's lesson was laid out before me in writing. It was a written affirmation that I was not off in left field with where the lesson had taken me. However, more significantly, it was SUCH a gift to my heart to know that even though we were not there together in study, we have a bond that allows us to speak directly into each other's hearts. She may not feel the same way but she is used that way in my life. I don't know that I would call the email this morning a surprise but definitely an affirmation and significant reminder that my heart apparently needed.

Day One: Entrusted and Trusting

I have decided over the next 30 days that I will be actually getting up when my alarm clock goes off (instead of snoozing too long) to read the daily entry in Terry Esau's book. This morning, mission accomplished and I am SO thankful I did! Coming into this, I was thinking things like, "What if nothing happens?" or "What if I miss it?" It was good to know that I was in good company. Esau's first entry was along those lines - concerns that a day will be ordinary and that nothing significant will jump out at him. Or even worse, something will happen and he'll miss it. He chronicled his day and the ordinary moments where he saw God. Nothing earth shattering but God in his everyday. Yes, there may be days where God knocks my socks off in this but He is in every moment, even when it is routine. And isn't that the point?

My day was much the same. Followed the regular Tuesday schedule with no bumps or out of the blue incidents. The same things that make me laugh, make me chuckle today. The same things that irritate me, irritated me today. However, dinner with some co-workers was really good (almost hated to end it) and two of us cleared the parking lot after bible study sharing concerns and passions for our curriculum/students. Then it ended with the most adorable pictures of my sweet niece that will make your heart melt. She looks like her beautiful mother in many of them! Erin is getting good with that camera!

Yet, starting this experiment on a Tuesday means starting it on a bible study day. Of course, there are blessings each week when that time is invested! So here was the overall themes to tonight's ah-ha moments for me (also known as today's surprise).

Tonight, we talked about the boundary lines that have been placed around our lives. The areas that hem us in and help define who we are, per se. They were intimacy with God, our past (specifically our hurts and pains), our life experiences (everything that we have been through, where we have been, and the things that make us who we are), and our spiritual gifts. We looked at each one in depth but one common theme rang in my ears with each point: I have been entrusted with each of these things. God has redeemed me and found me worthy of the experiences that define who I am. He has entrusted every moment, every experience, every characteristic, everything that makes me tick. He has given me these things not only to define me but to use me. Every joy and sorrow, when sanctified by Him, can be used for His glory. And that is a humbling thought!

For a few months now, I've been thinking on something. There is a part of my testimony that I do not share. In fact, VERY few people have heard it. I am very private about it because it is shared with another person. To share this part of my past means sharing very personal things about that individual. I am very aware of this and try to be very considerate of that. So, I don't share it. However....a few months ago, I was listening to another woman share her story and it sounded significantly like mine. I approached her afterwards and told her that I appreciated her sharing that. Her response really got to me. She told me that everytime she tells her story, more women come to her and share that they have been secretly carrying the same burden/hurts. There is a growing need for people to be a support for individuals that have been where we have walked. She said that while not everyone will give public testimonies, more people need to be open to helping people deal with this situation. I've been thinking about this since October and I have a feeling that at some point, I will be called upon to share that part of my past with someone else. Tonight, it was all over my mind as I listened and took notes. I have no idea when, who, or how but I know that God entrusted that experience in my past to me so that He could do something with it at some point. So right now, I'm beginning to trust that He will not only finish redeeming it for me, but will cause it to work for the good. So we will see in days to come how this will turn out. Until then, I am humbled to be entrusted with such a task and trusting that when the time comes, it will not be me at all doing the work but the One who redeems!

What's to Come

Before I get to the point of this post, can I just say.... I bought a cd for the first time in years yesterday and I sang/danced to it all the way home. I do love me some Israel and New Breed! How can anyone listen to that praise and sit still!? I seriously think that this was the music that David danced to before the Lord!

Moving on....

Tomorrow I am starting something new. A friend recommended a book a few weeks ago called Surprise Me by Terry Esau. The premise behind the book is that Esau decided to spend one month seeking God rather than putting himself before God. What that looked like for him was that his first and main prayer of the day was simply, "Surprise me, God". Then, throughout the day, he would look for God at work in everything from the mundane to the pivotal. The book is not only his personal journal of the 30 days but also a dare for others to complete the same experiment. I'm going to take the challenge and for 30 days, I'm going to pray "Surprise me, God". For each of the 30 days, I'm going to post what happens. I have no idea what to expect except that God will be there. What better way to spend a month? So stay tuned........

Verse 4

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy...." - Jude 24

I truly don't know what could be better! I have a God that LOVES me like crazy! He shows this by making sure that I have a solid foundation of love so I will not fall. He keeps me from falling prey to Satan's schemes, from falling victim to my own undoing, or falling to my knees before any false gods. Then, He takes it a step further. He is doing all this so He can introduce me to His Father, pure and holy, excitement bubbling over! In my mind, it looks like having your new love introduce you to his parents - hopeful anticipation and sure of how much they will adore "the one". And that is how God sees me! If that doesn't make a girl giggle, I don't know what will! I can't wait to meditate on that for two weeks!

My Life in Ten Blessings

On facebook, Beth Mainard wrote a note about how God has blessed her life. She challenged us to think on such things and share 15 blessings from our own lives. I did it in 10 for my own personal reflection but thought I would share it as well. This is quite long but I won't be posting for a little while so take your time (if you dare). Here is my life in blessings:

1. I was blessed to be born into a home where God was present. One of my first pictures is of my first Sunday at church because it was such a significant part of who my parents were. I grew up saying prayers a dinner and bed time. We sang VBS/Sunday school songs at home and in the car. My grandmother’s cross stitch of Jesus Loves Me hung on my wall. As the years went on, our songs sometimes turned into discussions and, at times, debates. I have a sister who has stood by me through thick and thin. She is my best friend sand the greatest gift I have been given on this earth. She has brought even more of love by way of family to me. God was present from my early years.

2. I grew up in a fairly conservative church. While I have both embraced and struggled with this throughout various years in my life, I will forever be thankful for it. The men and women in the church introduced me to the majority of the scripture that I know today. They taught me how to use my bible, how to internalize what I studied, and how to not be ashamed of it. The body taught me about loving others and serving even when you are tired. The taught me how to stick with it even when things get hard because that is what a real family does. I learned about the church as a family.

4. I had a wonderful youth group. We didn’t go on mission trips or campaigns. What we did do was keep each other out of a lot of stereotypical teenage trouble. Sure, there were broken windows/lights/trampolines/doors/etc, playing in the church building when we should not have been, and a whole list of other things. However, we were safe and accepted together. Our parents trusted us together. Eventually, we were able to get a bible study going that lasted a good while. Not many people had that and I am forever thankful for them.

5. I started my college career at Lubbock Christian University. This is where I feel in love with the Old Testament. I had a professor named Dr. Jesse Long. I have never again had a professor who had such an impact on me. My eyes were opened to the humanity of the people God called out and loved deeply. I learned to thirst for the words of the prophets. In the pages of our history, I began to see God for who He is. He may never know it but Dr. Long significantly changed my spiritual life. If for no other reason, I know God led me to LCU to have that part of my heart unlocked.

6. After a semester at LCU, I knew it wasn’t where I needed to be. For the first time in my life, I truly believe that I felt a nudging from the Lord, took a step of faith, and left LCU without a college to transfer into. For months I waited on the Lord before he gave me a “Yes” to A&M. God gave me a small taste of what it would eventually mean to wait on the Lord.

7. My time at A&M opened my eyes to a world of passionate, person relationships with God. I saw what it means to desire Him from a wide assortment of people and authors. For the first time, I understood what it means to grow your own faith. The years to come would hold conversations that I am sure startled my parents at times. My questions and beliefs have built up new relationships and caused others to end. In the end, God is a purifier and I have full faith that He is working all things out for His perfect and pleasing will.

8. In His great wisdom, God saw fit that I should be humbled and shown exactly what I have been saved from. For a time, God allowed me to experience a pit, closely followed by His grace, and His mercy. He taught me about His timing and control. He showed me what He meant when he said that His ways are higher than mine. (Glory!)

9. In the past year and a half, God has been working with me on trust in all things. From where He would lead me to live, to where He would have me work, to the church He would draw me to, and then the times in my apartment alone, He has been molding me into someone I could never have imagined three years ago. He is teaching me to pray in faith and to trust that He has not only heard but answered. He is drawing out a desire to fully want to know His will and purpose for this life He has given me. He is helping me to let go and know that this life is truly not my own. In a word, it is freedom!

10. God has surrounded me by an assortment of daily witnesses to my life. From the rock and constant safe place of my sister, brother, and niece; to a life group of bold, empowered men and women; to a staff of amazing, godly individuals, God is teaching me about the beauty of His body. Our different talents and gifts - who we have been perfectly made to be in Him - all coming together for His glory! I am humbled to be a part of it daily!

Prayer in Lyrics

I've really fallen in love with a song by John Waller called "Something Big". It really calls out to me because it is something that I have been praying for a couple of weeks now. It is one of those "dangerous" prayers because the answer could be so much more than anyone could ever anticipate. We'll see. Here are the lyrics:

I want to see something I've not seen
Something so big
I want to be a part of something great
Greater than me
It's time to dream big dreams
To see your vision become reality

Cause its for you and by you
and those who love you
want to do something so big
its destined to fail without you, Lord.
It's gonna fail without you, Lord.
Something so great it takes a miracle to do
Yes your children want to do something big for you.
Something so big.

We, yes we, are gonna sing a brand new song
Something so strong
And we will be the sound that wakes the dawn
Something so loud
Its time for breaking through
Cause there are no limits for He who holds the truth

When its for you and by you
and those who love you
want to do something so big
its destined to fail without you, Lord.
It's gonna fail without you, Lord.
Something so great it takes a miracle to do
Yes we your children want to do something big for you.
Something so big.

Something bigger
Something greater
For the glory of your splendor
Something bigger
Something greater
Tell the story of your wondrous love

Something so big its destined to fail without you, Lord.
It's gonna fail without you, Lord.
Something so great it takes a miracle to do
Yes we your children want to do something big for you.
Something so big.

Medicine

When God knit me together, He gave me a dislike of medicine. I've really grown to like it less and less as I get older. However, I am currently "preparing for rain". In order to make some things easier later on, my wonderful doctor has started me on a couple of different prescriptions. I'll spare you the details and just say that they are not fun. All of that to say....

If you want to be scared out of your mind, read the side effects of prescription medication! Here are a few of my current favorites:

- Do not stop this medication without checking with you doctor. Stopping suddenly may result in serious side effects. (WOW! This makes me not even want to start it! What is going to happen when it is time to stop!?)
-Check with your doctor as soon as possible if you experience bone problems (pain or broken/fractured bones). (Bone pain!?)
-And my personal favorite: Contact you doctor immediately if you experience......severe vomiting or vomit that looks like coffee grounds. (That's something I'm looking forward to.)

If those aren't enough to scare you, they also warn about chronic back pain, personality changes, and higher risk of infection (including colds and chicken pox). Are you kidding me? Do you know what I do for a living? I'm exposed to this daily!

(insert deep breath here............) As silly as it may sound, taking these medicines that I REALLY don't want to is part of my personal faith in action. I am believing that this is a time of preparation that God is/will work through - possible side effects and all.

Verse 3

"Before they call I will answer; while the are still speaking I will hear." - Isaiah 65:24

One thing that I have learned in my prayer life is that honesty with God is so important. Every joy, pain, sorrow, and praise honestly lifted up. It is overwhelming and freeing at the same time. This verse reminds and comforts me. It reminds me that every thing I have asked, requested, or lifted up has been heard. An answer has been issued. It allows me to truly give things to God and let Him do what He does. He is SO good!

Being a Sheep

Since everyone that I know is doing the 25 things about me, I thought I would give in and follow the leaders....

1. It doesn't matter how many times I see a picture of my niece, I am still overcome by how beautiful she is.

2. I am am an avid reader but lately I am really tearing through books. Seriously, three in the past two weeks. During the school year, this is a record for me.

3. I secretly like the hokey movies on the Hallmark Channel. Embarrassing, I know.

4. I'm with Erin - You just can't get too much better than Hebrew and Greek word study in bible study.

5. I was recently given a glimpse into how cynical life can make someone my age. And everyday since then, I have thanked God profusely that He has shielded me from that.

6. My favorite purchase I've made recently is a sign from Caleb's shop that says, "If at night you cannot sleep, count your blessings instead of sheep". It reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in one of my favorite movies White Christmas.

7. I'm on a new medication and it has changed my taste buds. I just don't enjoy sweets much anymore. This even includes my beloved hot chocolate. *Sigh.....*

8. I've learned that I really do enjoy cooking and baking.

9. One day I would really like to get my masters in either library sciences or something biblical.

10. My current favorite praise and worship song is Sing to the King. My students really like it too. They hear me sing it a lot!

11. I am growing to appreciate and be more comfortable with silence - especially in the car. I'm hoping to hear something in it one day.

12. The first song that I remember hearing on the radio and learning the words to is "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears. Besides my first love of the Monkees, this song was the first song I loved on my own. Oh yeah!

13. Everyday I am more and more thankful that God has continued to mold me into what He wants me to be instead of leaving me the way that I am. I look back at even a year ago and I am humbled! He is so much better that I deserve!!

14. While Erin has some amazing friends, I have her next best friend picked out for her. When I saw her at the movie theater the other night, I may have been slightly over excited. Seriously though, I can totally see it! Now to only make that happen.......hmmmm....?

15. A glass of sweet tea has the same affect on me that a whole pot of espresso has on most people.

16. Knowing that drawing is one of the talents that God has not bestowed upon me, I do feel a bit of pride when my six year old students (who don't know any better) argue that the dog I just attempted to draw is "really good!".

17. One of the things that I look forward to the most on visits home is looking through Dad's stash of coins for that one coin he's missing. It doesn't happen every visit but I always secretly hope that it does.

18. I have that wonderful feeling that the pendulum is starting to swing the other way - in the best of ways, of course.

19. She doesn't know it but one of my new favorite things about Tuesday nights is seeing Mallory sing during praise and worship time. I don't watch her but every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye and it makes my heart smile. She seems to have no inhibitions in singing to her God.

20. I look forward to the day that I feel free to completely praise God without even having the thought of what others will think. Getting there but it's always in the back of my mind.

21. Apparently, I am pretty emotional too....

22. I've grown aware of the fact that I use ellipsis a lot when I write. (....) I've refrained many times even within this post.

23. When I go shopping and can't find my size in what I like, I just chalk it up to the fact that either I have really good taste because everyone else likes the same things I do, I'm actually an average body size because everyone else is my size too, or a combination of the two. Any way I go with it, it's a winning situation!

24. As hard as it is to get motivated sometimes, I feel really good when I have a domestic day. When the house is clean, clothes are clean, ironed, and put away, and dinner is cooking, I feel like I've accomplished something semi-fulfilling.

25. Generally I don't drink any soda unless I am feeling nauseous. I've learned that I don't like that taste of ginger ale with real ginger in it. I'll take the artificially flavored Canada Dry brand any day!

OK, friends! Now it's your turn! Let's see what you have to share!

Two Weekend Wonders

1. There are many things that I have come to love about our God. I love His timing and sense of humor. I love how He knows exactly what I need to hear at the most significant times. I love how He makes things turn out even if they weren't "in the plans" - and they are always better than I could have even thought to imagine. The thing right now that I am newly falling in love with (and attempting to wrap my mind around) came from many places. First, it came from our morning study on Daniel at school, then a talk with Erin, and then a prayer with friends yesterday morning. God puts all things into action and knows what time holds. From the past to the present, God has set seasons into being. Because He is all-knowing and the Ancient of Days, He is teaching me that every prayer I have lifted up has already been answered. I may not know what that answer is but it has been issued. It doesn't mean that I stop talking to Him or lose hope or trust. It means coming before Him honestly and clothed in who I really am knowing that whatever I ask or say, He responds. He is not silent or absent. He hears and answers. And that changes everything!

2. I love my Bible. It has so many notes here and there that I have picked up and have significant meaning. Things like original word choice, cross-referencing, and dates specific passages made an impact on my life. I would love for it to be the Bible that I carry from here on out. However.....I think it is time for a new one. The ink that I used for notes is bleeding through to the next page and making the text hard to read. Then, today we were studying out of Acts and my eye caught a note I made several years ago. At the time, it was important but now I don't agree with what I wrote. In fact, I believe quite differently. I also remember the attitude in which I wrote it and it was so wrong. So, begrudgingly, I think it is time to break down and get a new bible. I'm such a brat! There are people around the world who literally die for one. Here I am being so...... selfish.

One Only the Ladies Can Appreciate

Before I get going too much further, I need to tell you that if blog posts could have subtitles, this one would be called "The One with all the TMI". Now, I know that Erin will have a bit to say about this post because what I am about to write about is nothing in comparison to what she had recently experienced. It may not appear on this blog but at some point, she will let me know her two cents.

What in the world must God have been thinking when He gave women hormones!? Seriously, where did the idea of complete uncontrollable irrationality come from!? For the first time in my life, I am healthy and experiencing the full onset of mood swings, irritability, and crying for NO REASON AT ALL. What is that!?!? Most women learn to deal with these at about age 12 but I am having to start much later thanks to the amazing Dr. Levin! Don't get me wrong, as annoying and baffling as they are to me, I could not be more thankful because it means that everything is as it should be for this first time in my life. It means that things I thought would not be possible for me are now actually something that could happen. The joy that brings me is too much for words! However, I'm learning that all of that craziness of emotions I thought was just silly stereotypes are indeed realities. WOW! Apparently God made me a crier and I just didn't know it until a few weeks ago.

One of my favorite episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond is called Bad Mood Rising. Ray tries to give Debra pills to help with her PMS and she goes ballistic. Every emotion under the sun (in extreme) is swung to in the course of a few minutes. Hilarious! However, that is how I have felt lately. Here is a clip of that episode. The few minutes leading up to here are even better but this is all I could find. It's suddenly not as funny as I remember it being. :)

Sunny Days, Keeping the Clouds Away....

The last two days have been gorgeous. It makes me wish for a house so I had a yard to spend time in. With an apartment, it is hard to just go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunshine and prefect spring day breeze (even though it was very un-January like weather). In San Marcos, there were so many nooks and crannies to go hide in on pretty days. That was one of the nice things are living where a few rivers cut through the town. Once of my favorite spots was in the park. A river cut through an edge of the park and a bridge connected the main park to an "island". People would go there for a picnic, to fish, or to just draw/read/visit with a friend. I thought about that place a lot this weekend. I've only been fishing once but yesterday I had a desire to cross that bridge, be on that island with the sun shining through the leaves, and cast a line into the river. Whether I caught a fish or not, it wouldn't matter. Just being outside on a perfect day surrounded by the beauty of God's creation would have been heaven on earth.

Memory Verse for January 15

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. - Psalm 62: 1-2

For some reason, my emotions have been all over the place in the past few weeks. There is no telling what will make me weepy at any given moment. It almost feels like God wants me to come face to face with my disappointments. I've been thinking about it and I think it is about time. In the past, facing fears and disappointments has often released me from the power I let them have over me. I've learned that in doing so, I have to approach it prayerfully. I know that God will only let us face things so far but will not let them overtake us. So this is the scripture that I have chosen to call to the forefront of my mind in struggling moments. I have chosen to pray it when I am tempted to slip into a mess. For God alone is my comfort and strength. He holds my past, present, and future. He works to redeem me to His perfect and pleasing will. He purifies me in His holiness and holds my hand when facing those things that cause me pain and fear. His love is unshakably perfect and casts out all fear. He is my rock and salvation. He provides rest. Him, and Him alone.

Two Things that Have Absolutely Nothing to do with Each Other

This has been quite a week. Can I just say - Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! I have spent this week thoroughly confused about which day it is! The first week back after two weeks off and only four days with kids can really throw you for a loop! So I thought I would share a couple of things from this week. They are so unrelated that this should probably be two separate posts but I'm just going to kill two birds with one stone.

1) I have been very pleased to learn that the female love of shoes is truly a life long passion. I have a couple of students who can't seem to get over this hump and move on to the next reading level. It is frustrating for me but also for them. They don't know they have been stagnant but the few times I have attempted to move them on, they just look at me like I've asked them to read a Latin medical reference book. So as we trudge through the ever present "E" books, I try to put it more in their hands. I lay out about three books for them to choose from. One that I have learned to always offer is called "Shoes Women Wear". I am almost willing to stake my life of the fact that whenever I offer it as an option, my little girls won't even consider the other options. In fact, I have girls that are beyond that level asking me if they can read the shoe book. Gotta love girls and their shoes!

2) A few times this week I have been thinking about missing people. Not people who have gone missing but the feeling of missing those you haven't seen in a while. (Side note, while I was thinking about this post, I started singing the DC Talk song Colored People but I kept saying Missing instead of Colored. Sadly, it took me a while to catch my mistake.) Anyway, I have been caught off guard by how much I have missed some people recently. I find missing people such a mixed emotion. There are elements of sorrow, anticipation, and, when those we miss are seen again, great joy. For example, I wasn't quite ready to get back to work but as soon as I saw my kids turn the corner on Tuesday morning, I was overcome with a giddiness and desire to squeeze them all tightly. I was surprised how much I missed them! Then, a few days ago, my dear friend Danielle joined facebook and requested me as her friend. It sounds silly but just seeing her face made me squeal with excitement. I knew that I missed her but I didn't realize how much. It has made me wonder, who else do I miss and not even realize it? Seeing my kids and briefly hearing from Danielle made me wonder, what other faces could bring such joy if I saw them at random? What other voices are my ears aching to hear? Going a step further, who do I miss that I don't even know yet? There are relationships (mentor, friend, husband, children) that my heart longs for. I hope one day they will understand when I look at them and honestly say, "I missed you!" with all of the excitement and joy that I felt upon seeing my friend and students this week.

And So It Goes....

I have started reading the book "A Walk with Jane Austen" and something the author says about her memoir really struck home with me. I thought it was great and wanted to share it with you. Lori Smith wrote, "We don't choose what happens to us, but I suppose we choose (even subconsciously) how we remember it and what stories we tell."

I just spent a little time looking back at some posts from this time last year. It was really interesting to go back and see what I chose to write about. Somethings brought a smile to my face and others made me scratch my head. Sweet memories forgotten vs the difficult times that I wrote about so vaguely that I can't even remember what they were about. Even the things that were hard (or bad) I don't remember as being so difficult. I guess our interpretation of life really does make all the difference in the end.

2009

Happy New Year, sweet friends! What a beautiful day to start off a year that I have been anticipating for a few weeks.

Usually, for me, New Year is a time of reflection - looking back over the joys and sorrows that defined the milestones of the year. This year, both were present (just as any other year) but I've taken a different approach in my mind's eye. I fully believe that God blesses remembrances because he had His people put up standing stones so that they may tell their children of the goodness of the Lord. However, along with these remembrances, I've decided to make this a year of anticipation. Set aside for the Lord, I am fully convinced that our God will be faithful, fulfilling His promises in the year to come. This is a year that, instead of New Year Resolutions that will be forgotten in days to come, I just want to seek the One who set time into motion, the Author and Perfector of our faith. I've known the hand of the Lord and want it more. I want to hear his voice so clearly that when He passes by in a gentle whisper, it will not be mistaken for any other than Him.

As I've spent time in prayer over this, I've been asking for ways to keep my focus. Yet again, our God is faithful! I am committing to learn two verses a month for the next year. It is do-able and personal. Choosing verses appropriate for the stage of life to which I have been called, I am able to see the goodness of the Lord day in and day out. For the first verse of the year, I was seeking a "mission statement" for what is to come. After finding this one and briefly reading some commentary on it, I chose Hosea 10:12:

Sow for yourself righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord until he comes and showers righteousness on you.

I'll continue to post the verses I have chosen because for me, repeated writing helps me memorize. If you would like to join, feel free! You don't have to tell anyone. Make sure you have accountability for yourself and dive in to blessing upon blessing!

May the Lord bless and keep this year for you. May He shine his face on you and be gracious! Have a wonderful 2009!