Bless His Heart

I have a child in my class that has some issues. I love the boy to death but truth be told, he wears me out. Today was a prime example. He has a pretty intense crush on one of the girls in our class and wants to tell her. Correction: He wants me to tell her. Or he wants to have me stand in the hall with the two of them so he can tell her privately. I know she doesn't feel the same way so I am trying to protect him. No one should have their little heart broken at 10 years old.

So he asks when we can talk to her about 10 times before lunch. When we finally go to lunch, he begins to bawl. I take him to my room and we talk all the way through lunch. I cries and expresses so many feelings. For example, he doesn't know how to talk to her anymore. He is scared of rejection. He is trying not to get in trouble so she will think he's a good guy. He is trying to crack jokes because she likes funny people but she isn't laughing at his jokes. He likes her so much! It is completely hijacking his brain! I literally can't get any work out of him. Even at the end of the day, the last thing he says to me is, "Can you ask her please!?"

My heart went out to the little man but all I could think was thank goodness I am not there anymore. Don't get me wrong...I'm not calling myself an expert on men by any means of the imagination. I'm just saying, all of the unknown of the first time is over. There is not enough money in the world to take me back to emerging hormones and confusion over the first time you notice someone has lost their cooties.

Bless his heart!

Just Me

The interview question that drives me up the wall is "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I understand that the interviewer is attempting to see if you have goals and what your priorities are. Let's be honest...you are going to answer whatever they want to hear to get the job. Besides, there really is no telling what your life will be like tomorrow let alone 5 years later. What is wrong with today? What is wrong with learning who you are and living in the here and now? I don't see anything wrong with it. So....after months of thought and searching, here is who I am and what I am like right now. Some are silly and some are not. Hope you like me!

• I am a word person. Books, lyrics, quotes...I love them all! Book Clubs and Bible Studies. What a great way to spend your time!
• I am a singer who hates to perform. I prefer the background, behind the scenes rolls. I like to make others look good.
• I believe that passion is contagious. Find yours and share it with others. Just make sure it is your own and not what you caught from someone else.
• I believe that reading changes your life. If you can't read, it hurts not only your academic growth but your self esteem as well.
• I believe that people deserve 2nd, 3rd, 8th, and 12th chances. I need them!
• I believe that relationships (every kind) go both ways. No relationship can work if one person does all of the work.
• I love greens and browns. They are colors of life and beauty. They are calm and peaceful.
• I believe that once you have loved someone, you never completely stop. They stay in that special piece of your heart that is reserved for them. That is why the heart is the strongest muscle in the body. It continually grows and makes room for others while never forgetting the good stuff. It keeps you alive and kills bitterness.
• I believe that you should have as many windows open as you can. It lets the outside in.
• I believe that whenever someone calls you names or is ugly to you, it isn't always about you. Sometimes people need to vent and it just lands on you. Learn the difference before getting your feelings hurt.
• I believe that the reason we get stressed out is because we care too much. If we didn't care, we could brush it off and walk away.
• I believe that you should have to actually use your Bible in church. Preachers should make you flip to follow along.
• I believe that just because you are alone, that isn't always a bad thing. How else are you going to get to know yourself if you are always surrounded by others? Take time out just for you.
• I believe that eating out is best saved for special occasions. It should be a treat. Besides, what is wrong with a home cooked meal?
• I believe that there are special relationships that are worth holding on to. They are worth fighting for even if other people don't understand why. They are special.
• I believe that airports are magical places. People coming and going on vacations and business trips. It is a place of anticipation and hopeful plans. They are the best waiting rooms in the world!
• I believe that diversity of people is what makes this world a beautiful place.

Needs vs. Wants

*This started off as a comment on Jamie's blog but was too LONG. Therefore, I turned it into a blog.*

To say that I am a Grey’s Anatomy fan is a HUGE understatement. I watch it while I work and today was no exception. One of my favorite scenes was on and it made me laugh (again). A woman comes into the hospital and she is in such shock that all she can do is scream at the top of her lungs. No one can make her stop. Finally, in a desperate attempt, one of the interns grabs her by the arms, gets nose to nose, and screams right back in her face. It catches her off guard and she stops. It makes me laugh. Sometimes, I think that is just what I need. Someone to scream in my face to make me face what life really is for me.

I have SO many things I want for my life. I dreams about where I want to go, things I want to do, who I want to be, and who I want to be there with me. I dream BIG. These things are truer to me and who I am than anything else. I believe that what we want speaks volumes towards who we are. Lately, I’ve had to make choices about needs vs. wants. Unfortunately, the needs outweigh the wants and that is how it should be. Yet, no matter how right it is, I am so sad when I have to let go of one of those wants. Another small (or large) dream that goes away. It may sounds a little bit dramatic but it feels like a part of me dies. You don’t get that back. You try to accept reality but it is a hard and bitter pill to swallow. I don’t think you ever fully get over it. You just silently scream for a while until God grabs you, puts his nose to yours, and screams in your face just to catch you off guard. Then, you snap into the reality of the present. It doesn’t make that dream (or the pain of losing it) go away completely, but it does make you appreciate the here and now. It is real. It is all we have.

A Time Such As This

On Saturday night, the young adults are getting together to watch One Night With the King. It is a movie based, very beautifully and accurately, upon the life of Esther. Before we watch it, we are all going to read the book so we can discuss it when we are finished with the viewing. I reread it last night. I know that other people have reached the same conclusion that I am reaching so this isn't anything earth shattering. Just my thoughts on it.

I have been told, and often thought, that I have been born in the wrong time. I would "fit" better some time else. I don't know when but not 21at century America. As I read through the life of this amazing woman, the words of Mordecai resounded through me. "And who knows but that you have come into this royal position for such a time as this?" (4:14) Now I know that I am not royalty and I will more than likely not save an entire nation, but I know that the same can be said true of me. For whatever reason, I have been put here in this place and in this time for a reason. God planned for me to be right here, right now. I don't know what it is and I may never know. The simple thought is breathtaking and humbling at the same time.

Oh for the courage to know and see what God has planned!

Lemonade at the End of the Day

As I sat down tonight, I was planning on writing about the annoyances of Wal-Mart the day before Valentine's Day. Then, I breathed...

Having Mom's surgery over and her home, I feel so much lighter! I know this wasn't my burden to carry but it was not fun to watch. Tonight, I turned on iTunes to work to and got SO wrapped up in the music. I still can't sing along with it yet but I discovered that I could do my version of dancing and have a blast! Gwen Stefani, Semisonic, Ok Go, Beyonce, and Regina Spektor (among others) came out to play with me. Erin would be so proud!

Tonight, I feel like the lemons from the past weeks have turned to lemonade. I know that work is still there and not getting any better but tonight, I am relaxed and dancing around the apartment. If this is what one weight lifted feels like, I am REALLY looking forward to next Tuesday night after Writing TAKS! I can't wait!

Delayed Reaction Girl Strikes Again!

Most people get nicknames from those that love them. I have one or two from Dad but overall, I go by my own name. However, I have adopted a nickname for myself..."Delayed Reaction Girl". Basically, that is who I am and what I do. Take care of what and who needs it at the time. I'll be the "strong one" for now. It's not a conscious thing that I do but it never fails. Once everything is said and done, I fall apart.

Last night, when we had to say good night to Mom, it took everything I had not to lose it right then and there. Up until then, I had pretty much been fine. I pretty much held it together out to the car, to the restaurant, and through dinner. The ride home was a whole different story though. God was in control of the car because I was crying so hard I was having a hard time seeing. Jenn got a sobbing phone call as I drove up I10.

Then, this morning, I was fine until someone at work asked me about how Mom was. Without any warning, I broke down again. It wasn't until I got Dad's message about how much better she was doing and actually talking to her that I fully settled down.

What is the deal!? Surgery was over and she was doing so well. I will concede that yesterday was NOT a fun day for her but she really was better!

I am such a freak!

And then comes today....

So I vented some frustrations yesterday. They are as real today as they were yesterday but I had the "awwww factor" hit me throughout the day.

I woke up this morning with no voice. I'm not talking a raspy, cracking voice. I'm talking barely a whisper. I was concerned about how the day would go with my group. One of my more difficult students decided to be my watchdog today. Basically, he spent all day telling the class to be quiet so I don't "hurt my voice anymore". They listened to him (which is semi-surprising). I had drawings, notes, and written prayers telling me to get well soon. It was adorable.

I still have nothing but we will see what I wake up with.

Throwing in the Towel

Tonight I was going to try to make it back to Sugar and Spice. I've been looking forward to it for two weeks. Then, just like always, work got in the way. I had so many things come up that I just quit at 6:30 and left. I still had so much I should have done but I had already stayed too late.

The thing that is bothering me is this...Work is once again taking over every part of my life. Anytime I try to do anything not work related, work creeps in. It is a huge catch 22. If I stay and take care of work, I miss out on the things I would love to do. If I leave and attempt to have a life, I fall behind on work.

Is this what it's like to be an adult? Having to sacrifice everything to keep up with the job? This isn't a rhetorical question. I need to know. I mean, if this is it, I need to get over things and just learn to accept working 24/7. If it isn't, I need to figure out what to do to make things better.

I want to see people outside of work. I want to come home and relax without feeling guilty for relaxing or cleaning the apartment. I want to have a hobby. I want to see my friends more than once every couple of weeks. Is that too much to ask!?

Thoughts on a Sunday

During the Lord's Supper today, this thought crossed my mind and it has hung around all day. Thought I would share and see what you think.

I know with absolutely certainty that Christ knew the pain he would have to endure when he came to Earth. The knowledge of being separated from the Father must have been a terrifying thought. But did he know how badly the physical pain would hurt? Having never wrapped himself in our flesh, did he have any clue what the beating and breaking would feel like? I imagine that the first time he hit his thumb with a hammer in Joseph's workshop was a bit surprising. I wonder if he fast forwarded in his mind to the beatings after the Mount of Olives. Did he swallow the lump in his throat when he realized that a cross is a more damaging than a hammer? Was he afraid of the physical torture as he sweat like blood in prayer? I know the meaning behind it was worse than the actual bodily harm but did he have a clue from heaven's side of birth?

It's humbling!

One of Those Days

Do you ever have one of those days? Surely you have. We have all had them. The day where you just can't catch a break or everything is a near miss. People just keep missing the mark and you just want to put your head in your hands in disbelief. All you can think is, "Seriously!?" On top of that, you keep looking at the date thinking that there is something important about it. Something you should be remembering. Then it hits you and you wish you hadn't remembered. It was one of those days.

Then came the evening. Danielle and I got together for dinner and caught a musical a girl from church was in. While the show was excellent, I really enjoyed seeing my friend. I haven't actually done anything with her for a while. It's good to have someone who shares your same stresses and can laugh with you as well as at you. Danielle has an extraordinary passion for God and she raises the bar for me. There is so much about her I want to be like. I always more confident about where I am in life after I spend time with her. What a blessing!