Opening my Fist

God is doing a lot of stuff with me right now - reorienting my mindset on many different issues, giving me object lessons, making me rely on Him so much more... There have been common themes throughout it all. Try to guess what this one is:

Over the summer, Erin and I went up to Canton. I had never been before and the time had come to remedy that. So much fun! While we were there, we stayed with Erin's in-laws. One afternoon, CaLyn was putting some things away and she pulled out a glass cake stand. I mentioned that I thought it was pretty and the next thing I know, she is giving it to me. That was not my intention at all - in fact, my mind was thinking that Lord willing I ever get married, that would be something I would need to register for because I don't have a need for one at this time. However, it made it's way into my home. Erin shared with me that this is how CaLyn is - if you like it, it's yours. Now, I'm going to be super careful what I verbally admire of hers!

About two months ago, Erin shared with me a blog she has been following. On it, one of the posts was about how this woman was reorienting her mindsets as well. One of her new rules was that she will never buy anything she wouldn't give away to someone else. It really resonated with my spirit.

So here's the theme - Letting things go. And by things, I don't mean that ambiguous term in which we loosely through around "Just let it go already!" I mean actual things - money, stuff, time, self...

Lately, God has been laying it upon my heart that what I have isn't mine. It's on loan for a time that only He knows. My home, my finances, my time - all of it. I am not the owner but the steward. Somehow, this feels like a much bigger responsibility that owning it. There are expectations, standards, duties at stake here. The weird thing about it is that even though it feels bigger, it is freeing too. I don't have to fret about what to do about this or that. I can ask Him and He will direct me. Here are a couple of examples of object lessons that have been given to me as I've started changing this mindset.

- I've been crazy busy to the point that something new being added to my calendar may be written in through tear filled eyes. So this past Sunday, I canceled some plans to enjoy the afternoon/evening just relaxing by myself. On Saturday, the opportunity came up to have a cousin come in to stay on Sunday evening. Honestly, my mind sounded like a three year old, "I don't want to share my home! I don't want to share my time! I just want to relax! By myself! With no responsibilities!" As my inner toddler ranted and raged, a calm still voice reminded me, "That apartment is not yours. This time is not yours. It is a gift. Steward it well." Oh yeah. So I opened my home and was so blessed by it. Because it isn't mine. It is a loaner to share - for His glory.

- Last weekend, I went to Half-Price Books to help de-clutter my bookshelves. I didn't get much but more that I had the 15 minutes before. On the way home, I stopped by Walgreens. As I was going back to my car, a man that frequents a few of the corners in my area was sitting by the door. We said hello as I booked it to my car to get ready for the above guest. As I got in the car, that cash was burning in my purse. I had a place for it to go - my share of the breakfast my grade level was providing this week. But the conflict rose - this man I know by sight who was using the Walgreens as his couch or muffins for a staff of 60 employed women. The inner debate was long and loud. In the end, the women got it - not the one who needed it. In my ears, it keeps ringing, "It's not yours. This money is not yours. It is a gift. Steward it well." Whether the decision I made was right or wrong is neither here nor there. The voice and the reminders are all that matter at this point - conviction, not condemnation.

I'm not talking about being a doormat here. I'm talking about knowing what is and isn't mine. I'm talking about using what I have been given to bless. I'm talking about one of the biggest paradigm shifts I have ever had. At the end of the day, this is what I'm starting to take to heart: If I can't let it go, what truly is my "god"? If I hold on to it with a death grip, what does it say to others about the "god" that I serve? If I open my fist, who truly is my God? If I turn it loose, what does it say to others about my God that I serve?

At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I want to have five talents, not one.