On Your Mark...

At the beginning of the month, I posted a list of things that I would like to do within the next year. Tonight, I took my first steps towards one of, if not THE, most difficult of the goals. Tonight was registration and orientation for a training group to prepare me for the half marathon! I am pretty excited! It is going to be a lot of fun but also a lot of work as well. I cannot wait to get started. We begin on Monday with Hills (every Monday's workout). One Wednesdays we will work in circuits and Saturday mornings will be our long runs (I'm talking about an hour and a half on average). I've been trying to run to get myself back in the habit but we will see. For all I know, this may kick my rear end from here to Timbuktu. On the other hand, it may turn out to be a new favorite.

Ready or not, here I come!

Trama in the First Grade

Our district has put into place that just about every elementary grade level observe a real life cycle. First grade get to hatch chicks every year. For 21 days, eggs incubate (is that a word?) and then we get to watch them come out. In an ideal world, this would be wonderful. However, this is reality and it hit a little too close to home today.

We came in this morning and there were our eggs - fresh and untouched after 26 days in the incubators. We were supposed to throw them out on day 22 if they had not hatched but we couldn't. Our kids had literally been praying for them. We held on to hope until this morning. Classes started and my co-worker came in to get me (I'm in charge of the incubators). A chick had poked its little egg tooth through and then stopped. At lunch, it was still the same - silent and still.

As the one in charge of this project (not by choice, mind you), I got the task of helping birth the chick. I pulled back a portion of the shell and there it was - black feathers, little feet, and dead as a doornail. My stomach turned. I was so upset that I couldn't even finish.

To make matters worse, we had to remove it before the kids came back in the room from lunch. As I put it in a box, closed the lid, and made my way outside, I felt my stomach in knots. It was horrifying. Now we had to figure out what to tell the kids. We got a game plan in place.

After school, we had to get rid of the rest of the eggs. We decided to check them and, thankfully, none had even gone past about day 4 of development. Guess who got to check the other 15 eggs? Yep, lucky me.

Lesson learned today? I'm not cut out to be a vet.

By George, It Was a Good One!

So after a few less than happy posts, here are some things that really made me happy this week:

• Starbucks and Kolaches for breakfast
• The constructions men that looked like Oompa Loompas in their reflective vests
• Car dancing to Toby Mac
• Leaving work at 4:30 three out of five days!
• Finishing an amazing book that I couldn't wait to read each night
• Making a weekly menu that stayed in the budget, worked for the entire week, and tasted good
• Hugs from little kids
• Trying desperately to see through egg shells to check on the chicks in the incubators (you had to be there but we laughed SO hard!)

There were some definite tough things about this week but these were a few highlights. Hope you had some silver linings along the way!

Debbie Downer Strikes Again

So I realize that many of these posts have been pretty negative lately but I promise that there are several good things going on. The next post will be more upbeat - promise. For the moment, I just need to vent for a second.

What in the world is up with people who have to throw their negative two cents in to every little thing? I mean, why can't people celebrate the good, accept a compliment with "Thank you", or just be nice?

I have a person in my life that I truly believe thinks that I am as inept as they come. I have no doubt that they believe that I would be better suited for another position or even occupation. It makes me SO mad that I could spit nails! I feel belittled every time I have any contact whatsoever with this person.

Breathe in, and........out. Only five more weeks........

They'll Break Your Heart

One thing that I have loved about teaching first grade is their absolute innocence. They have such a curiosity about the natural world around them. They are SO loving and desire nothing more than to love and please. This world is so much more beautiful through their eyes.

Or so I thought....

Over the past few weeks, I've been allowed to see exactly what my sweet six year olds are exposed to. Here are a few examples:

• One boy lost his mother about two years ago. He has been such a discipline issue! However, since my other girl has moved on, I've been able to really see him for the first time. He wants a mother's attention so badly that he's been reaching out for mine any way that he could get it. Now, if I can praise him nonstop, he is SO good but it not, he will do whatever he can to experience the maternal attention he doesn't have at home.
• A few weeks ago, one of my little girls was SOBBING on the way to the bus. It was her dad's weekend to have them and he hadn't made arrangements to pick them up from school. It was the second week in a row that he didn't show. We had to literally pick her up and put her on the bus with her sisters. It broke my heart.
• Yesterday, I had to write a kid up for threatening to "kill you when we get back to the apartments". He told another that he was going to "blast his head off" and looked at a girl VERY meanly while making a slashing motion across her throat. The face he made scared me! Lovely....
• Today, a student was sent to the office to eat with the AP for making his pizza rolls have sex. Then he left without permission and told her that I had punished him (I hadn't).
• On top of that, I can't get my boys to quit talking about their body parts and poop. Even my sixth graders didn't do that! I guess that is what happens when you put 12 little boys in the same room with only four girls.

On top of them, I have been very upset by what is going on with the children from Eldorado. What will happen to these little ones? What has life been like so far? If I had the training and financial means, I would strongly consider taking one in.

I've also been reading a book which revolves around foster children and the system. It is fiction but I find myself going to bed a little earlier every night so I know what is happening to this sweet little boy.

They are all children! They are supposed to be worried about losing teeth and scraped knees and wanting dogs for Christmas. My heart breaks for their loss of innocence. They should not know these words, actions, or lives. The needs are so great that there is not enough love to fill every need.

Thank you, Father, for watching over these little ones! Continue to call them to you!

Granny and Jane Austen

All day I've randomly thought about Granny. This afternoon, one of my students was talking about her grandmother painting something for her. Mine did that. Then tonight, Grandma made instant potatoes with dinner. Granny did that. Then I got a forward of an email from my uncle in Florida who I haven't seen since her funeral. I've been thinking about her randomly a lot today. To top it all off, something random about her just hit me.

Granny called me Lizzy. It drove Mom crazy (so she once told me). Mom would say that my name is not Lizzy but Dana. Granny got Lizzy from my middle name - Elizabeth. It never seemed to bother me. This makes me wonder if Granny knew something that I didn't. You see, my all-time favorite character from literature is Miss Elizabeth Bennett (aka Lizzy) from Pride and Prejudice. I think that she is AMAZING. I'll be called by her name any day of the week.

Thanks, Granny!

Daily Smile

Each day, I pass an apartment complex on my commute to work. It is pretty early on in my drive and each day it makes me smile. I've seen it every day since August but I still look forward to it. The way that the complex is set up, the upstairs units have a fireplace. On each side of the fireplace is a window and right below it, a first floor unit has a large window. When you put is all together, it is a face. To me it looks like a modern Mayan face but I have an overactive imagination. What is even better is that there are several units in a row that look onto the street where I drive. I feel watched! I've thought about showing it to you several times and I finally remembered my camera this week. It isn't the best shot but that is alright. It was pretty early in the morning and I was getting some strange looks for taking pictures out of my car window while we waited for the light to change. Anyway....Here's smiling at ya!

Vanity and Peer Pressure

I guess I have to admit a need for affirmation. The first time I wacked all of my hair off, the first thing I did was call Jamie in a very high pitched, shocked squeak of a voice. He told me to come by work and show him so I did. I remember being SO nervous about it and he wa fully aware that his reaction would make or break my feelings on what I had just done. I saw his feet first and he slowly peaked around the signs on the door. He responded very well and all qualms went away. I just needed to know that I hadn't just made a huge mistake. Then as I walked into the house, I felt the same levels of apprehension until I got Mom and Dad's reactions. Again, they responded very well!


The same thing happened this time. Erin and Gregg gave me the initial boost right after the hair cut but I guess I still doubted it so much that I needed more. (Sorry Erin!) However, today at work definitely calmed me and I have actually grown to like it. Everyone, including the two men on campus, were really sweet about it. (Sidenote: I've never been called brave about any one thing so much! You would think that I had just completed some grand task. Kinda funny!) I'm still going to grow it out but until then, I'm going to enjoy the extra 10 - 15 minutes I have every morning NOT maintaining my hair. :) I have decided that I am a very sad individual for needing to be told I look nice.


So, I am giving into peer pressure and posting a couple of pictures of the new hair. Sorry for the school shirt and tired eyes. Hope you enjoy!

Going....Going....Gone

About a week and a half ago, I decided it was time for a hair cut. The ends were bad and it was just time. I made my appointment and went to see Thu yesterday after school. I walked in thinking about going short enough to still have a ponytail. I walked out with something completely different.

As I sat in the chair, many things started running through my mind. I thought about running this summer in the muggy, humid Houston heat. I started thinking about the time I spend each morning on doing my hair. I thought about the amount of shedding I do each day because it is SO long. Then, what weighed on my mind the most was one of my little girls. She lives in a flea infested apartment and each day, discovers another one on her body, hair, or clothes. On Wednesday, she was showing me and it jumped on me. GROSS!

As I thought about all of these things, I heard myself say, "Do it" and the next thing I know, the scissors are going and it is too late to turn back.

I remember a while back when Erin came home with a cute hair cut that she didn't want. She cried and called Gregg. Mom and I laughed. I'm not laughing now. As silly as it sounds, I miss my hair! I'm not good at doing hair and now I look like I did when I was growing it out last time. It isn't a bad cut at all but I just wish I hadn't asked for it. I thought about posting pictures of it but I just really dislike it so much that I don't want to. I know that it is only hair - keep some perspective, Dana!

Oh well, here we go growing it out again...

Seeing God

It seems that within this past year or two, I have been able to see the hand of God working so specifically. I have seen Him move me both in maturity and spiritually. I've often wondered why it is now that I can see the daily work of our God. I've reached two conclusions.

First, I've been praying very specifically to see and hear Him in very obvious ways. I know that by asking for spiritual eyes to be opened, God will be faithful in His answer to those prayers.

The second conclusion that I have reached is that seeing God is, on some level, a choice. Throughout our day, we meet joys, obstacles, ups, and downs. I think that if we will stop and give credit to the one who is in control of the good, we will see God. Likewise, if we lean on Him in our hour of need, we will know His strength in our weakness. To know and see God is to seek Him. This is not a new thought by any stretch of the imagination. However, I have misunderstood the fullness of seeking God. Yes, seek His will and His work through His word but look further. Look into the daily grind to where God steps before us or beside us. If you give God credit for everything good thing, you will miss none of His blessings. If you hide is His shelter in the storms of life, you will miss none of His power and strength.

That is one of the biggest things I have learned in the past two-ish years. It only took a quarter of a century. No matter how slow I am to learn, He is faithful in His lessons. What a blessing!

Lost and Found (sometimes)

Alright friends, I seriously think that I am losing my mind! I don't know what the deal is but this week, I cannot find anything. Nothing, Nada, Zero, Zilch! It doesn't matter what level of importance it is, I can't find it. From insignificant to the utmost importance, it's gone. I can't find a thing. I've torn my apartment and my classroom apart multiple times looking for various items and each time I come up empty. It hasn't been fun. Honestly, my second most often prayed prayer this week has been for God to reveal where something is. It has been said multiple times daily for about six days.

If my head weren't attached to my body, it would be missing too - I know it!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

This morning, I was about to begin checking homework and folders when my phone vibrated. Knowing exactly who it was and what it was about, I ran into the hall to answer it. My kids have never seen me move that fast to their little eyes shot open as they watched me through the window. My phone is always off and put away. This was very strange. To them, I must have looked insane. There I was, a grown up, standing in the hallway listening to my cell phone, and jumping up and down. I'm sure they couldn't figure out why I was acting so crazy. What they didn't know was that I was on the phone with my sister being told that her baby waved at her.

Yep - My sister and brother-in-law are pregnant!

After having to keep it a secret for about a month, I ran in the room, turned the phone off, put it in the closet, and grabbed one of my students. Her mom is due in July and so I knew she would understand the joy of waiting for a baby. Her eyes got really big. She said, "You are going to be a really BIG, big sister!" I just laughed and told her that I am going to be an aunt.

Yep - I'm going to be an aunt. Not only am I going to be an aunt, but I'm going to be the best aunt this little one has. Really, I will be the favorite. As it's only aunt, it really doesn't have many options.

This is why I said I want to pamper my sweet Erin at least twice over the next year.

So now the fun begins!

Revamping the List

I've been thinking about things I would like to do quite a bit lately. Some big things and some small. Over a year ago, September 2006 to be exact, I blogged a life list. A list of things that I would like to do before I die. Today, I went back and looked at it and was surprised that I am not as attached to some of those goals as I was a year and a half ago. So I have decided to revamp the list. This time, however, it will be a little different. Instead of a life list, here is a list of things that I would like to do before April of 2009:

1. Lead a healthier, more active life.
2. Finally get out from under this credit card!
3. Visit the new co-cathedral.
4. See the Pompeii exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts.
5. Run Houston's Half Marathon in January.
6. Pamper my sister at least twice.
7. To see, know, and love God better than I do today and to share that with others.
8. To become a better swimmer.

Eight goals for 12 months in no particular order. They are all attainable and all something that I feel a deep desire for. In a year, I can look back at this and say that I did or did not meet these goals. There is no high and lofty "One day . . ." type of ideas. They are real and they are going to happen. A few of them are already in the works and I'll be writing more about those later. Until then . . . .

Odd Day

There is a little girl in my class that I have been working with all year. She has been a handful to say the least. It was in the plans to get her moved to another campus starting on Monday but today was quite a day. Talk about meltdowns like we haven't seen all year long. After several of those, one of my co-workers told me that she has been suspended from school for the next two days. Basically, we were saying goodbye in a matter of two hours, NOT two days! It was crazy trying to get everything packed up and all of the farewells said. I actually got two hugs which can be either a relief or very unexpected depending upon the day.

I always have a hard time saying goodbye to my students - no matter how much work they are. We had a pretty big ARD for her today (11 in attendance) and it was such a blessing. We were talking about where she was in relation to how we started the year. We could actually see progress! It was bittersweet because we had been so busy just trying to survive the last couple of weeks and we somehow missed all of the growth that had occurred. Unfortunately, it just wasn't enough.

So today was the first goodbye of this first year in first grade. She is on to better things and we will be too. So many of my thoughts (and a part of my heart) go with her.

Laying It All Out There in Brutal Honesty

Throughout the course of wrapping myself around this breakup, I have had my eyes opened to many truths about myself, relationships, and the faithfulness of our Lord. God is gracious in His answers to prayers. Overall, He has blessed me with peace and comfort as I could not have imagined. However, today has been a rough day. I've had to admit some things that I have not wanted to admit to myself let alone out loud for anyone else to hear. The very writing of this blog is something that I have debated all day and even as I type, I am wary of it. I feel as if I am about to admit to something that I do not want to and am not supposed to. Yet, here I sit, exposing myself to the world. Maybe this is too much. Maybe this is too personal. No maybes about it, this is a tough pill for me to swallow right now. I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish with laying all of this out there. I think what it comes down to is laying it all down before God in the faith of deliverance from the hurt and fear.

From the time I was still living with Mom and Dad, I have said that I wanted to be fully self supported before I ever got married. I wanted to make my own way so that when the time came, I knew I was marrying for the right reasons: love, companionship, a mutual goal in seeking the Lord. I never wanted to marry because I felt like it was necessary to my survival. This is one of my childhood goals that has come to fruition. I have my own home, I pay all of my bills, and I maintain a life independently of dependence upon anyone else. However, it is not 100% what I envisioned. Then again, what ever is? While it has its definite perks, I find things missing from my life. Someone to sharing things with, to laugh with, to cry with, to seek God with. Someone to sit on the couch and watch TV with. Someone to sit at the table and have dinner with. Someone to dream with, travel with, share a life with.

What I am about to say is a simple sentence. No difficult words, no confusing meanings. At the same time, it is hard to me because it seems to grow stronger all of the time.

I want to get married.

Today, all day, I have been reminded of my singleness. I have been forced to look at myself at 28 years old and realize that I am back at square one again. This time around though, I am seeing things a little bit differently. I am being heavily reminded that marriage is not a promise that God gives me. That may not be something that He has in store. These are all words I have spoken before but a deep truth reverberates in them tonight. All the things that I have put on hold in hopes of sharing it with someone else need to stop being put off because they could possibly never come to be if I keep waiting. Hopes for a home, a family, trips to share, work to do together . . . . all of it. While a small part of me feels liberated by this final realization, my face is soaked in tears and my body shakes in sobs. It feels as if a lifetime dream is being dashed and all I can do is helplessly sit by and watch it happen. I know that God's way is best so I pray that I accept whatever He leads me to.

Psalm 121 has been heavily on my heart the past three weeks. I read and dwell on it daily. It gives me hope and strength through this fear.

I lift up my eyes to the hills -

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord.

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip -

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches of Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you -

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm -

he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

I Am This Easy to Please!

Sometimes I think that God gave me a joy for the simple things in life just so I can see Him and His displays of love (both big and small) so vividly. Take tonight for example. My drive to work is 12 miles, takes on average 45 minutes, and includes 15 stop lights. Tonight, I turned on my car at 7:49 to head home. (We had a Family Night - I didn't work that late of my own accord.) Long story short, I was in my apartment with my shoes off at 8:08. That is right - I made it home in 19 minutes because I hit only ONE stoplight! One out of fifteen! Do you know how often that happens? Apparently about once every eight and a half months! That means it should happen again for me about the beginning of December. It made me really happy!

My God is so good to me!

The Irony of It All

Tonight once again reaffirms that I have absolutely NO control over what my life might look like and that our God likes to throw me curve balls. When this will stop surprising me, I will never know. At least now I can just shake my head and laugh about it. There are no longer "Why me!?" or overwhelming tears. It almost feels like I have a personal inside joke with God Himself!

This evening was our last study of the spring semester. Several of us were excited to hear about what the topic for this fall will be. We got there and much to my surprise, we find out that study will be quite different in September. Beth will be hosting an "Intro to the Bible" study for 250 ladies ages 18-25. Not only am I too old to go, the study is geared to beginners to the Bible (thankfully not me). In other words, there will be no study in the fall. We will pick up again in January of 2009. I just stared at the flier and started laughing in my head. Those of you who know what has gone on the past few weeks will understand why the irony just shot throughout the course of my entire body.

For the second time in about a week and a half, what I have envisioned for the fall is tilted and changed. Things I have grown to depend upon taken away. Granted, this turn of events is nowhere as huge as the break up but it is a change when I'm still trying to adjust to the other. It feels like God is slowly striping it down to just me and Him again. In many regards, I am full of anticipation for whatever He is planning because His ways are always higher than mine. At the same time, it makes me feel so raw and so helpless not having any say in my own life. Despite that feeling, I know that this is the time He does His best work.

So who can argue with that?

A Tear-Jerker for Erin

This blog started out an entirely different way. It started out about my idea for reading a book a week. It then turned in to talking about the book I started last night and it's themes on travel. However, as I have begun to write, it has come down to this. I hope it makes at least a grain of sense.

Last night, I started reading Three Weeks with my Brother by Nicholas Sparks. Now, I am not a mushy gushy reader so I am usually not drawn to books by Sparks. However, as soon as Erin told me the premise of the book, I was immediately intrigued. I have not looked forward to reading a book as much as I have anticipated this one. It is a memoir about two brothers who go on a three week trip around the world. Anyone who knows me and my desire to travel can see exactly what initially drew me to this book. Yet, I find myself anxious to read it for another obvious reason. It is about brothers.

There is something about a sibling that plucks the strings of my heart. Seeing how I have the best there is, I can only feel my heart swell at the thought of siblings. One things that I have enjoyed about moving to 1st grade is seeing the older siblings take on the protector role of those I spend my days with. On the rare occasion, I get to see my little ones play the role of big sibling. My heart melts when I see brothers and sisters loving on each other.

I absolutely treasure the relationship I have with my Erin. She knows the story behind every victory and fear that has molded my life. She can tell by looking at me exactly what my mood is even when I can hide it from others. She can laugh with me, cry with me, and get away with telling me things that no one else ever could. She can vocalize my fears when I cannot bring myself to say them aloud and then offer not to look at me when I need to cry it out. She understands all of the associations that run through my mind in certain circumstances or with specific words. She will sit on the floor with me, dog tired, and listen to me tell her things that I have probably already said three times before because she knows that I just need to talk it out. She dreams things for me bigger than I dream for myself. She fights for me fiercely from the depths of her heart. She makes me smile and laugh like no one else can. Above all of this, she loves me in a way that only a sister can.

So I look forward to a book about siblings. About the joys and pains that bond us to each other like no other relationship can.

For the Record

Can I just say...what a BEAUTIFUL day in Houston! The windows are open and everything around is significantly greener than when I left a week ago. Small flower blossoms are out along with seasonal flowers just reminding me once again that the season of new starts is here. It is days like today that make me wish I had a yard to go enjoy!

It has been pretty productive too! I left the house about 9:45 this morning to take care of some things. By 1:00, the car had its oil changed and was washed, I ran to Kinkos, went to the mall, and had lunch. Thanks to some birthday and Christmas gift cards, I was able to pick up a few things including an Easter Dress! Much to everyone's amazement, I am happy to tell you that it is not black, white, or any pattern with those two colors. It is a beautiful blue - perfect for spring!

I hope you are enjoying this beautiful Saturday!

Same Song, Second Verse

At the end of July, my mom and I drove into Houston to turn the page on the next chapter of my life. I remember it was a very humid summer's day and we arrived at the complex's office just after 4:00. I signed the paperwork and we unloaded the truck. As I signed my name and watched as box after box was unloaded, I reflected on the past three weeks. Everything that I was expecting had shifted into this great unknown. I had applied in Houston area districts almost half heartedly. Just days later came the call followed by the interview followed by the acceptance of the job followed by the speedy move. I remember wondering and asking God, "Why here? Why this place that I pursued so little - almost as an afterthought, as a joke?" As we unpacked every box and hung every frame, I couldn't help but wonder through my tears what was in store but knowing, without the shadow of a doubt, that this had been perfectly paved by God. There was NO other explanation. There was no going back.

This afternoon, as I drove back into Houston, I felt some very similar feelings. Coming into town at the same time of day, pulling into the same parking spot that I pulled into 8 months ago, and feeling that same overwhelming feeling of not knowing what in the world will unfold here. The same feeling of not understanding the past few weeks and how everything that was my reality has shifted so much from even three weeks ago. There was a sense of finality in driving away from Pleasanton as I have never felt before.

To borrow Jackie's catch phrase ...and then....

Relationships change and people shift and grow. In all things, God is good - even when we don't get it!

To all of these things, I am a testimony.