Perfect Love

Life is scary.  It's a fact.  From one day to the next, we are surrounded by the unknown.  We are made aware of our insufficiency.  We face challenges.  Not all fears are rational.  I have a few that make no sense at all.  Statues, octopus, and falling from heights are the top three.  I cannot explain them.  There are others too - fears that go deeper, that have taken root, that make sense.  Fears - we all have them.

Over the summer, I was looking at photos with my mom and she pointed out that for someone who has a fear of statues, I sure do take a lot of pictures of them.  In response, I found myself sharing what I think the past few years have taught me more than anything else.  I told her that just because something scares me, I'm not going to let it run my life.  I take photos of statues and go where they are.  When diving, my instructor pointed to my right and just an arm's length from my face was an octopus.  This summer I had to climb the most rickety sets of metal stairs with an arm rail the size of a baton to get to the top of a bell tower.  It was terrifying but the view was amazing!

While these are fears that have tended to hang around, sometimes it just hits.  This summer as I repacked my bag to go to Croatia, I was blindsided by fear.  I called Erin in tears just hours before my ride to the airport arrived.  Peace did not come until well after I arrived.  To this day I don't know where it came from or why I was afraid.  Yet, there it was - real and almost crippling.  Because of it, I very nearly missed a much needed vacation.

Any time I have done something that scares me, I have been thankful.  I have wondered at artistic talent I don't possess.  I have been awed at the beauty of creation.  Asking myself why I was afraid to live overseas landed me in Egypt two months later.  I've learned that stepping out to face the thing I fear most has often been the most rewarding.  It's where God has shown up in small joys and in great peace.   Whether it be in phobias, life changes, or relationships, every experience we have is a gift from God.  This I have found to be true:

Perfect love drives out fear.

John knew it was true.  He was speaking of God's love and what that looks like when he loves other through us.  I think its true of fear itself too.  What are we afraid of doing?  What are we afraid of saying?  How are we afraid of putting ourselves out there?  Why fear?  When we are filled with the love of God, facing those things we fear the most becomes small.  His perfect love makes us confident and whole.  It helps us face what we fear the most and see beyond it to the beauty.  It's not easy but it's worth it - every single time.

Egypt, Year Two

In a couple of days, I jump on a plane and officially say farewell to my second year in Egypt.  As much as I enjoyed year one, year two held many things that I learned and people I am going to be forever thankful for.

This year I learned that even though we live in a third world country, so many of our problems are first world problems – can’t load my TV show, I only have large bills to pay with, etc.  Such little problems – until they aren’t.  I have learned there are things that I will never again take for granted.  Things like consistent electricity, access to internet, drinking water you don’t have to question, being able to get money out of the bank, and availability of gasoline for your car.  It’s amazing how just these five things make such a huge difference.  It’s also amazing how you learn to live within the craziness of not having them.

I’ve learned the importance of having a comfortable, relaxing home.  I’ve been blessed to live in some nice places here in Egypt but we found an amazing one in March.  The moment we walked it, I knew it was the place.  It’s been a place of rest and laughter.  I’m so thankful for these walls.

Most importantly, I’m so thankful for the people that I shared life with.  I’m thankful for Jeff and Cathy who adopted us and made us feel like family. 

I’m thankful for #twitclub.  I’m thankful for Kris who can make me laugh like very few can and has seen the good, the bad, and the crazy in me yet still tolerates me.  I’m thankful for Maia who is my entertainment soul mate and one of the most real people I know.  I’m thankful for Tim whose sense of humor makes every moment enjoyable.  I’m thankful for GJ who carries laughter with him and opened my eyes to the neon around me.  I’m thankful for Abby who is so loyal and kind but most importantly, taught me the correct way to eat M&Ms. Each of these friends was a source of joy and a breath of fresh air as needed.  I could write an entire blog post on each of them individually.  Thankful is not a big enough word for the way I feel about them.

Most of all, in year two of Egypt, I am thankful for Sarah.  After saying goodbye to some very dear friends last year, I was unsure of what this year would hold.  Sarah has been the friend who I’ve laughed and cried with, done couch time with, and talked to every day.  She’s been able to sympathize with me and tell me when I need to settle down (in the loving way like only she can).  God knew what this year would hold and knew Sarah would be the friend that I needed through it.  

Thank you, year two, for reminding me that its the little things that make life good - silly games, inside jokes, dinners on Friday nights, and people you can do nothing with and plan adventures with.  You've been great!

Year 10 in the Books!

This week I put my 10th group of students on the buses for the last time.  10 years.  

300-ish students. 

4 schools.

5 grade levels.

2 countries.

Extreme thanks.

In some ways, year 10 was like the previous 9.  Sweet children that could make me laugh one minute and crazy the next.  Such great personalities that make their frustrating moments just melt away with a simple look or hug.  Personalities that even when they were making you mad, you had to turn away so they wouldn't see you smile or laugh at the cuteness of them.  Children you could scoop up and hug, cuddle on your lap, or just dance/flip/spin around.  Just as the years before, there were the one or two that were so unique, its easy to impersonate them.  I wish I could show them to you but I still have too much public school teacher in me to put their photos online.  Take my word for it, they're cute.  And sweet.  I'll miss them.

As much as every year is about the kids, for me, this year was extremely different in one regard.  This year was more defined by the adults.  Despite being team leader in the past and working with teachers in various positions, this year was a whole new experience.  It stretched me farther than I've been stretched before in every way possible.  There were days I wanted to walk into the office and quit this part of my job.  There were days that I really could not have been more proud.  I think my favorite aspect of team leader was working with one particular teacher.  She came in last year as a first year teacher with no training.  This year, I got a front row seat to watch her become one of our strongest teachers.  She outshined me on so many days and I'm so honored I got to witness it.  She is the reason why I'm pursuing the master's program I have chosen.

And can I take a moment to brag on these two women?

These are the faces of my sanity this year - Tessa and Marian. They laughed with me, advised me, dried tears, and listened.  They watched every moment of the year and stood by me every step of the way.  Whether it was a funny moment with our kids, getting stuff done, laughing, or just helping me remember what I was supposed to do next, they were my rock and my friends.  I don't have a work picture with Angie and Randee but these girls joined us for lunch each day and were a much needed break.  They were a breath of fresh air every single day.  These four women made my work days possible.

A few years ago I went through a phase in which I prayed that teaching would be a ten year career for me.  In August I start year eleven.  It will be in a new grade level with a new team and new administration.  I am so excited!  There are things I will miss about Early Childhood and kindergarten but I can't wait for the year ahead.  Well, I can wait about two months......

Sticking up for the Guys

I am a 33 year old single woman. Just to clarify - when I say single, I mean s..i.n.g.l.e.  I won't tell you how long it's been since I've been asked on a date because I would like to save just a hair of dignity.  As this is the case, I've been privy to a subculture that is unlike any I've ever experienced before: the singles Christian group.  This is a unique group on which I fully believe studies should be done.  I've been in groups of five and in groups of 5,000.  I'm not exaggerating either extreme.  Even more unique is one subset of this group - single Christian women.  Ladies, with all of the love I can muster, this one is for you.  Actually, this one is for us.

I know it's hard to be single.  I know it's frustrating to look around and see our single friends have her heart broken or to see a guy not follow through.  I know what it is to have both of those happen.  I know it feels good to vent.  I know it feels easier to talk about the men around us not stepping up.  I've heard it all - Single Christian men are not fulfilling their calling as leaders.  They lead us on.  They are afraid or weak.  I've heard this in frustration, heartache, anger, and bitterness.  This is only the tip of what I've heard.  I've heard this come from the quietest girl to the most bold.  I've even been known to partake in this conversation.

However over the past year, I find myself asking - What are we saying about the men in our lives?  More importantly, what are they hearing from us?

The more I hear this conversation take place, I can't help but think about how we are sounding to men.  I don't know one man that has heard this conversation and been inspired towards change.  I don't know one man that has been drawn to a woman because of these words.  I haven't spoken to one man who has felt encouraged or respected by this discourse.

I understand, ladies.  I truly do.  However, I think we need to stop and examine ourselves.  We need to  be women that speak highly of the men around us - when they are present and when they are not.  We need to show them respect with our words.  They are our friends and brothers.  We need to be women that these men would be proud to have in their lives - as friends and sisters.  Let's be for our men, not against them.  I'm not saying that we don't feel those frustrations or that we bury our feelings but that we show honor to the men around us with our words.  I think that the words we speak about the men around us says more about us than it does about them.

At the end of the day, let's be women that inspire, encourage, and build up.  Let's be women that speak words seasoned with salt.  Let's be loving women.  We can do it, ladies - for them and for us.

Questions

Last night at church, this was read and it hit pretty close to home for me.  It is by Rainer Maria Rilke and goes:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart, try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

Right now I have a lot of questions - mostly about the future (both immediate and further down the road).  It makes me anxious and comforted at the same time.  Life's unpredictability has taught me that planning beyond tomorrow is pointless because things more often than not do not go the way you thought they would.  I've also learned that in the twists and turns of life, things turn out fine.  Actually, they turn out better than you thought they would.  It makes me afraid to throw out the playbook and itching to do it all at the same time.

So I am with my questions.  We sit together, work together, play together, hope together, and do life together.  I'm more okay with them tonight than I was last night.  I look forward to liking them, loving them, and then looking back to see that they have grown into answers without my ever knowing it.

One Word

Just over a year ago, I heard about a group of people who choose a theme word of the year.  Some chose a word as a challenge and others for inspiration.  It is a word that describes the year to come.  I thought it sounded like a good idea and jumped on the bandwagon.  For 2012, I chose the word hope.  It was a not quite the year that I anticipated when the word was chosen.  For me, 2012 held a ton of promise and in many ways, it held up to that expectation.  I experienced places I had never dreamed I would see.  I tried things that I never thought I would try.  I was accepted into graduate school - a 10 year goal beginning to come true.  I met a new niece who was easy to fall in love with.  These were dreams I never expected to come true and there they were.  Yet, just as with every coin, there was another side to hope.  I learned what it means when hope changes form.  I learned what it means when your hope is not for something joyful but for relief and release from pain.  I learned what to do when hope is deferred.  I learned what it means to differentiate between genuine hope and wishful thinking.  At the end of 2012, hope has more meaning to me than it did before and it has proven to be just as challenging as anticipatory.

A few weeks ago, I started thinking and praying about what 2013 would hold.  I was hoping (see, there it is) for something bright, optimistic, or along those lines.  Not so much.  I started noticing and trying to ignore the same theme popping up again and again.  No matter how much I tried to change it or look for something else, my one word could not be shaken.  I'll be honest, I'm not excited.  In fact, I'm nervous - so much so that I wanted to pitch this idea.  Yet, here I am, scared of what the next 12 months will hold and still gearing up to face it head on.

One Word for 2013 - Surrender.

Prayers appreciated.......

Paris Je T'aime

I'll admit it, Paris was not high on my list of places to visit.  Sure, there is a lot to be said about it but it wasn't one of those places that I had been on the edge of my seat to go.  Truth be told, I think that I wasn't allowing myself to want to go.  It wasn't going to happen any time in the foreseeable future.  Then three months ago, Paris was placed before me as an option.  Turns out, I wanted to go more that I thought.  It was booked and became a beacon of hope.  It shined into stressful moments as the light at the end of the tunnel.  It did not disappoint.  So to correct any misconceptions, here is where I admit to many things I was wrong about:

Misconception #1 - Tourist traps (Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, various museums, etc) are just that - traps. Walk by, take a look, and then walk on.

Why I was wrong - Oh. My. Goodness.  Notre Dame was beautiful!  The first night there I may have slightly over reacted seeing Notre Dame when we drove past.  Turns out that I needed to see it (along with a few other above mentioned sites).  Just go - and love every moment of it!

Misconception #2 - Overcast skies combined with buildings of the same color make Paris a very drab city.

Why I was wrong - The buildings were beautiful on the outside but they were incredible on the inside.  Even if the landscape did not change much, the insides of each place was overwhelming.  Again and again I was surprised but what I found through various sets of doors.

Misconception #3 - French people are rude.

Why I was wrong - Everyone was lovely!  They were helpful and friendly.  In fact, the rudest people I ran in to were tourists.  I mean, who declares in the middle of an internationally known museum that they hate it or that a piece is awful?

Misconception #4 - Once you've seen one palace, you've seen them all.

Why I was wrong - Versailles.  I understand why it helped trigger a revolution.  Elaborate and over indulgent doesn't even begin to describe it.

Paris, you were lovely!  From the places to the food to the faces, I loved it all!  Hope to see you again one day!

Since I Haven't Posted in Five Weeks...

I know.  It's been a while.  Sorry.  Kinda.  It hasn't been entirely my fault.  For five of the past seven weeks we were internet-less.  It is also known as the month in which TE Data became afraid of three white girls.  I'm pretty sure customer service will be using multiple calls we made for training purposes. Not kidding even a little bit.  Once internet came back to us, we got sucked in.  It would make sense to have a massive catch up but in the process of trying to write one, I find myself stumped by having too much to say and not the ability to say any of it.  So instead, here is this.

I have a friend who picks a song of the week.  Its fun.  I think my theme song for the past several weeks has been "I Surrender" by Hillsong.  It's how I start each day because it is only by the grace of God we've made it to this upcoming winter break without breaking.  Not being over dramatic.  It's been tough. That's not right - it's been T.O.U.G.H.  Each day starts with, "OK God, I'm glad you've got this because I sure don't."  Thankfully he's had it every single day and he will continue to do so.

My Austrian Things

(read while humming "My Favorite Things")

Libraries, palaces, concerts, and operas,

Musicians, artists, and history surrounds us,

Musems full of paintings only genus brings

These are a few of my Austrian things.

A bus full of singing and crisp apple struddel,

Homes, lakes, and fountains, gazeebos - beautiful

Bright yummy packages tied up with string

These are a few of my Austrain things.

Walking in gardens and over hill dashes,

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,

Silver white meadows, the first seen since spring,

These are a few of my Austrian things.

When hamseens come, when students run,

When I'm feeling sad,

I'll simply remember my Austrian things and then I won't feel so bad!

101 Things in 1001 Days

When I moved in with Sarah, one thing that I noticed about her right away was that she was always doing or planning something fun.  It turns out she has this handy little list of things she wants to accomplish - most of which just happen to be - fun.  She introduced me to this challenge she has set for herself through something called Day Zero.  The challenge is 101 Things in 1001 Days.  After checking it out, I decided it sounded like something I would enjoy.  Seeing how list making is one of my favorite things to do, I took it up.  I even had a little help from my friends.  So without further ado, here are 101 things I have decided to do over the next 1001 days:

Faith-based:

Sponsor a child

Read through the entire bible

Memorize the Sermon of the Mount

Eat like a Third World citizen for a month – donate the difference in grocery bills

Complete a Daniel fast for a week

Donate 1 million grains of rice

Observe lent each year

Perform 5 random acts of kindness

Buy a bag of groceries for someone in need once a month for a year

Financial:

Debt free

Give intangible gifts one year for Christmas

Leave a 100% tip for someone

Buy a stranger’s dinner anonymously

Donate $25 for every item completed to a related charity

Pay for Spring Break entirely in EGP

Educational/Professional Self Improvement:

Complete my master’s program

Get PYP certified

Get a new job

Travel:

See the Grand Canyon

Experience each of the four seasons

Tour a European church

Run out of pages in my passport

Tour a winery

Go desert camping

Sisters weekend away

Visit Pompeii

Go to an internationally known museum

Surprise

Go to the Netherlands

Roommate weekend away

Mail a postcard to my band director from Austria

See a show in the West End

Snorkel

Take a spontaneous get away

Do a hike longer than 10 miles

Tour the Fairy Tale Road

Get my international drivers license

Drive on the other side of the road

Egypt:

Visit Upper Egypt

Climb Mt Sinai

Count to 100 in Arabic

Drive in Egypt

Barter at the Khan in Arabic

Visit Siwa

Something New:

Private

Get a tattoo

Learn to knit

Learn to tie a tie

Get my diving certification

Go to the batting cages

Learn to use all of the settings on my camera

Pick fresh fruit

Conquer a fear - Go repelling

Reading:

Read a book over 1000 pages long

Read a book set in each country I’ve visited

Read my height in books

Complete a short story once a month for a year

Write a children’s book

Send one handwritten note per month for a year

Read all of the Newberry Award winners

For myself/my health:

Go a month without sugar

Go to bed before 9:00 every night for a week

Complete the 100 push ups challenge

Complete the 200 sit ups challenge

Try Zumba

Don’t eat out/Otlob for a month

Leave work at 4:00 everyday for two weeks

Take the stairs for a week

Buy only what’s on the grocery list for a month

Get up every day without snoozing for a week

Go to the gym four days a week for a month

Food:

Cook a new international dish every month for a year

Make a German Chocolate Cake

Make homemade donuts

Cook a turkey

Make soft pretzels

With others:

Go play bingo

Send out holiday cards

Surprise gift #1

Surprise gift #2

Host a tea party

Host a multi course meal

Chosen by others:

Dad – Write a short story about a fictional biblical character

Mom – Be home long enough for a Project Runway Marathon

Erin – Hot air balloon ride

Gregg – Eat pizza in front of the Coliseum

Liz – Watch The Grinch together

Bladen – Play cars together

Sarah – Go diving in 3 different oceans

Kim – Watch fireworks in a new place

Kris – Ice skating in Paris at Christmas (as randomly chosen my a roommate)

Ryan – Volunteer in an orphanage

Random:

Watch The Godfather Trilogy

Watch a new movie for each letter of the alphabet

Perform 5 random acts of kindness

Do the splits

Eat an entire meal using chopsticks

Eat something I can’t identify

Private

The Boab's Family

On the walk from the market to my place, there is a building that has been under construction for about a year now.  That's pretty typical.  Buildings are slow going up around here.  As the buildings are under construction, a boab and his family will move in.  These men and their families live in the depths of the parking garages/basements and are on call 24/7.  They look after the building and the residents.  This man is no different except that his building doesn't have any residents yet.  I've walked past them for about a year now.  We nod hellos and I smile at the children.  They have a little girl that looks to be about 5 or 6 years old.  I look forward to seeing them as part of my market routines.

Yesterday they were gone.

There are a lot of reasons that boabs move on.  Sometimes it is their choice and sometimes it is not.  I'll never know why this family is gone.  I just know I walked past the building yesterday and there was a new family.  It's sad.

I was quite surprised to be sad.  I didn't know them at all.  Then I remembered.

It's funny how a moment can stick with you.  Everything about it remains clear as day.  I had gone to the market right off the bus.  It was weekly shopping day and I had my hands full walking home with a heavy work bag over my shoulder.  The building was just about a third of the way home.  I was almost there so I was starting my search so I could nod my hello.  There they were, sitting on the stoop - mother on the top step, daughter on the next step down, and a doll in the little girl's lap.  I didn't know she had a doll yet there it was being tenderly held in her hands.  She was intently playing with its hair in a very peculiar way.  Her hands were running throughout the hair with no rhyme or reason.  I glanced at the mother and that is when I noticed it.  She was picking lice out of her daughter's hair.  Daughter was picking lice out of her doll's hair.

She was playing mommy with her baby.

She wasn't putting it in a stroller or wrapping it in a blanket.  She was doing what her mommy did - taking the itchy insects from its hair.  The mother and I caught eyes and she turned away quickly, looking ashamed.  I smiled at the little girl and kept walking with a small lump growing in my throat.  She smiled back at me with a glowing face and twinkling eyes, proud of her baby.  I wanted to say something to the mother.  No.  Not something.  I wanted to say so much.  I wanted to tell her she is a good mother, caring for her daughter.  I wanted to tell her that her daughter is beautiful and sweet.  I wanted to tell her she was doing her best for living in the garage of a building under construction.  I wanted to tell her to lift her eyes, she has nothing to be ashamed of.

But I didn't and now I never will.  I don't know where they are.  I will most likely never see them again,  except in that 10 second memory.  I still see them on that stoop that is getting closer to being completed.  I still see them in the faces of little girls and their babies.  I'm thankful for it - this memory tangled with sweetness and heartbreak.

Still Alive

It's offical - I've been called out.  Apparently I haven't blogged in over a month.  Didn't believe it until I looked at it.  Oops.  I've been neglectful.  Sorry.  However, I kind of have an excuse.  It's the beginning of the school year.  It's been busy/crazy/stressful.  In fact at the end of each day, this is the way I've looked.

So when you are stressed, I've learned some ways to relax.  First, start your day with with sweet faces like these.

Then follow it up with this book:

After that, meet up with a good carpool buddy to face the ring road with.  Then you are ready to take on the day.  Do this each day and it spirals into joy.

Other things that work are learning something new like how to do this:

Time with friends, working with Lift Off, attemping squash, watching Downton Abbey, and reading good books help bring balance into life.  So do friends that help put things in perspective.  Spending time with these girls help too:

So at the end of the month, things are looking up, calming down, and becoming more balanced.  Now I'm leaving work looking more like this:

So I'll be back to blogging more regularly.  See you soon!